People of all cultures grieve; we all feel sorrow, loss and despair. We just show it in different ways. When it comes to grieving, for some cultures the focus is often placed on the individual. This can make it an extremely isolating and lonely experience.

However, in other cultures collective grief is common. Families, friends and communities lean in to support each other and grieve together. Here, death is not to be feared and is not a taboo topic.

Our understanding of the nature of grief and bereavement has undergone a transformational change. Previously received wisdom regarded grief as linear. It defined bereavement as working through emotions, with the goal being to move on and live without the person who died.

A Pathway Through Grief

Today the focus is on understanding the benefits to bereaved people of integrating the memory of their loved one into their lives.

There is more recognition that death ends a life, not necessarily a relationship, and that this process can be healthy and is not a denial of the death.

More recent theories also consider the cognitive, social, cultural, and spiritual dimensions of grief and loss. As a society, it's important to recognize that it's valuable for bereaved people to talk and to think about the person who has died. Better than encouraging them to "get over" their bereavement.

Experts no longer talk about "moving on," but instead see grief as a way of adapting to loss while forming a continuing bond with the lost loved one.

Growing Around Grief

Tonkin's (1996) theory of "growing around grief" suggests grief remains the same size, but the person's life grows around it. As a bereavement counselor, this model has proved very helpful with people I've supported. Mainly due to the removal of the expectation that there needs to be "closure." A lot of people are, understandably, fearful of this.

It's important to note that although clinical research has expanded our understanding of the distinctive symptoms, risk factors, and psychological processes (which have contributed to more appropriate support for bereaved people), there is no justifiable "one size fits all” model or approach to grief.

A feeling of loneliness is something that is reported by nearly all of the clients I have worked with. They may have family and friends around them, but they are alone with their thoughts and their grief.

People shy away from checking in, not knowing what to say. Or they offer support initially and then distance themselves, leaving people alone with their grief. It can be an additional loss, where the people that you least expect become strangers.

Listen, Don't Judge

"Is what I'm feeling normal?" is a question I get asked a lot, and the answer is "Yes." The physical and emotional symptoms of grief can be frightening and overwhelming. They can be so heightened that people are convinced that they have a serious cognitive or medical issue.

I've found that normalizing the responses people have, and giving reassurance that grief can manifest itself in many ways, can help to alleviate this additional concern that is weighing heavily on top of people's grief.

"To share something that is very personal with another individual and it is not received and understood is a very deflating and lonely experience. I know that when I try to share some feeling aspect of myself, which is private, precious and tentative, and this communication is met by evaluation (judgment), reassurance and distortion of my meaning, my very strong reaction is 'Oh, what's the use!' At such a time, one knows what it is to be alone."

A Way of Being, Carl Rogers (1980)

This is a quote often used in bereavement support training, as it helps people to understand the importance of respect, empathy and validation when supporting someone.

You don't have to have the answers, you don't have to "fix" anything, that person may not want your opinion. "Toxic positivity" is also unhelpful. It's much better to regularly check in, take time to be present and empathically listen without judgment.

7 Tips for Truly Supporting the Bereaved

I've learned something in every single encounter during my years as a counselor supporting grieving people through their bereavement. Here's a brief summary of the things I've found most helpful during that time. Hopefully, they'll help you too when the time comes:

• Respect, empathy and genuineness are the core conditions of helping (Carl Rogers).
• It's better to say something than nothing.
• "How are you?"... ask twice, so that people know you are being genuine. Continue to ask. There is no time limit on this.
• If you think the individual is feeling overwhelmed or bombarded with questions like, "How are you feeling?" consider sending a note or a card. Or see if there is any way that you can support them practically, e.g., with their workload.
• Each bereavement is unique and so each person's grieving is unique.
• Grieving is not an entirely private process; it has social and relational aspects which need the engagement of others.
• There's no one size fits all for support. Some people will research and read books, support groups can be a comfort for some, and others may prefer individual counseling.

FURTHER READING

Mind Tools Chief Executive John Yates lost his daughter, 18, while she was on her gap year holiday in Asia. You can read this moving account of his daughter, the grief and the aftermath by downloading the story below.

You may also find the following articles helpful for reflecting on grief. You'll need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full:

Working Through Grief

Coping With Grief and Loss in A Virtual Team

How to Manage a Grieving Team Member

About the Author:

Kate Peters is a Mental Health and Wellbeing Consultant, Mental Health First Aid Trainer and Inclusion and Accessibility Lead at PeopleUnboxed.

The post Grief: Finding a Way Through appeared first on Mind Tools.

"Healing is not about moving on or "getting over it," it's about learning to make peace with our pain and finding purpose in our lives again."

Some experiences and interactions have a significant impact on your life. Others are forgettable or leave you cold, even though everything you experience changes you in some way, no matter how small.

But then there are interactions and experiences that do more than change you. You're soaked, submersed – their impact is inescapable. It's hard to remember the "you" before it happened because it became part of every cell and fiber of the "you" that followed.

After one such painful interaction with a family member (which included them being untruthful), I set clear boundaries about certain behaviors because they had too significant an impact on me to ignore.

Why Aren't You Over That Yet?

Months later, I had to remind this person of those boundaries when I noticed their behavior veering into a "no-go zone." The person seemed surprised and said, "I thought you forgave me for that?"

"I have forgiven you," I replied. Then came the kicker. "If that's the case, why aren't you over it yet?"

I wish I could say that I had sat them down and calmly explained the difference between boundaries, forgiveness and being "over" something.

But, almost instantaneously, I felt tears of anger, frustration and disappointment gathering behind my eyes. I didn't want to cry in front of them. So I mustered just enough energy to politely excuse myself from the conversation while still holding it together. And then I didn't hold it together anymore.

Later I realized what had most upset me: they had put my enforcing boundaries down to me not being over a situation, rather than them understanding how problematic their behavior had been. Blaming me was easier than dealing with the truth.

Getting "Over That" Is Not Black and White

I had another experience with people needing others to be over something.

One evening in 2015, I was in a conversation at a Friday evening social gathering at my partner's work. The topic of politics and name changes surfaced. At the time, there was a spate of street and other names being changed from historically colonial and apartheid names to original geographical, cultural and ethnic names.

One of the men (also a white South African and an Afrikaner, like me) went on a bit of a rant about the name changes and ended with, "It's more than 20 years later! They (meaning, black people) should be over it (meaning, apartheid) by now!"

The comment was jarring enough in itself, but then it hit me: this man couldn't stand the English language or the sight of an English person. He was angry about the suffering the "scorched earth policy" of the British army caused his great-grandparents and other Afrikaner people during the Anglo-Boer War (also called the South African War) that waged from October 1899 to May 1902.

Do you spot the issue? He wasn't over a war that had ended 60 years before his birth (and certainly there are legitimate reasons as to why he wasn't over it), yet he expected black people in South Africa to be over apartheid after 21 years. So, I poked the hornet's nest and asked, "How do you explain your dislike of everything English in relation to how you think black people should be over apartheid already?" Oh my, the mayhem that ensued... it was quite spectacular! (He still doesn't like me much. That's OK – I'm over it.)

Forgiveness Is Not Being Over It

I'll share a few observations with you, and please feel free to share yours in the comments below. You want others to get over something quickly if you are in the wrong. I know because I've noticed this in myself. It suits me much better if others get over my wrongdoing quickly and we can carry on as if nothing happened.

We confuse the act of forgiveness with being over something. Even if someone has forgiven a perpetrator, it doesn't change them back to who they were before. And certain things we never get over; we just learn to live with them differently.

Events, such as the Covid pandemic, have had different effects on different people. Two people who both came through it OK and who didn't lose any loved ones, might handle the aftermath completely differently. One of them might not lose much sleep over it, while the other still has a visceral reaction when they think of that time.

How Do Our Values Affect Getting Over It?

Our values play a role in how we think about these things. Integrity is one of my top five values and when a person breaks my trust, I take forever to get over it. If upholding a certain image is one of your most important values, you might take forever to get over the "humiliation" if someone sees you in the street when you're not wearing a very expensive brand, for example.

You often want people to be over something because you find it hard if they become emotional. It's basically a selfish wish: you want them to be over it so that you don't have to deal with the awkwardness of witnessing their emotion.

Just as some people have a fast metabolism and others have a sluggish metabolism, people don't all process and digest events at the same rate. But people should have the space to process events according to their own personal energy and capacity.

The kindest thing we can probably do is to get over wanting others to be "over it" and to hold space for them to process things, however they need to.

#MTtalk Roundup: Surely You're Over That?

During Friday's #MTtalk Twitter chat, we discussed why people want you to be over something, what it means to be over something, and how we can better support people who find it difficult to cope with life events. Here are all the questions we asked, and some of the best responses:

Q1. What does being "over something" look like, sound like, feel like?

@ColfaxInsurance (Alyx) Depends on the situation! It can be a feeling of annoyance and frustration that can cause you to just throw your hands up and walk away. It can also feel like a major relief and weight off your shoulders. And it can sometimes feel bittersweet and make you sad.

@ThiamMeka2Gogue Being "over something" sounds like to accept, to feel better about, to move on from, or come to terms with something, someone or some relationship that has failed or turned out badly.

Q2. Can we get over things too quickly? Explain.

@MarkC_Avgi When we get over things quickly, we are often dismissive of what that something should mean to us, or what we should have learned from it. Things happen which we can learn from, if we do not quickly dismiss such things.

@BRAVOMedia1 Self-preservation is always important – so if "we" get over things too quickly, perhaps we're negating ourselves OR we just keep moving forward!

Q3. Can we get over things too slowly? Explain.

@greatergoodgeek I have heard that – especially when working through grief. There is no "right" speed.

@Dwyka_Consult It is possible to prolong your own pain if you get stuck in a certain type of thinking. Acknowledge your pain but keep moving forward.

Q4. Why do we want others to be "over" something?

@SoniaH_MT We want others to be "over" something because it makes US feel better.

@MarkC_Avgi Far too often people tell others, "Get over it!" That is usually for the benefit of the person saying such things rather than the other person. In the same respect, sometimes telling someone they must put something behind them is for their benefit.

@MikeB_MT I guess I rarely feel this way. Pain, grief, evolving, adjusting, are personal journeys. I try to listen with empathy and encouragement.

Q5. How do you feel when someone says you should be over something?

@Midgie_MT I feel that my feelings are being invalidated, that the person is judging me against their speed of processing things, and that they think that something is wrong with me because I'm still processing.

@_GT_Coaching Grateful that they have offered their opinion because it may lead to change.

@SarahH_MT It's frustrating as it shows a lack of empathy. But more than that it can feel invalidating and cause you to question your own feelings, resilience, and judgment.

Q6. In your experience, why is it important to process events at your own pace?

@DrKashmirM As in nature, too, everything has a time period. As they say in a quote, "Flowers grow and bloom in quiet rains and not speedy hailstorms." Same applies for human beings, too.

@ZalaB_MT It's YOUR life, YOUR journey, YOUR feelings, YOUR process. Nobody who's not walked in your shoes or experienced your trauma, loss, grief and challenges can tell you how long it should take.

Q7. What tools or tips have you found useful to process major events?

@BRAVOMedia1 How to get beyond "IT" (from personal experience) – Forgive Yourself. Be gentle on yourself and others. Relinquish expectations. Set no time limits. Steady-Steady-Steady. GO TO WHAT BRINGS YOU JOY.

@TheToniaKallon Whatever helps you get centered. Journaling, unplugging, taking a walk, fresh air/sunlight are a few ways to decompress. Thinking about what you've experienced and allowing yourself time and space.

Q8. When is it helpful/unhelpful to disclose you're not yet over something?

@eriphar When you need help; need to set boundaries; need to warn others that you may still hurt them (emotionally)... It's unhelpful if there is no empathy from others.

@Yolande_MT It's helpful to disclose if it will make a meaningful difference in how you interact with people, or if you need them to "hold space" for you while you're dealing with heavy stuff. It's not helpful to disclose if you do so with a specific expectation, because expectations often lead to more disappointments.

Q9. How could you better understand why someone is not yet over something?

@ColfaxInsurance (Alyx) If they're willing, ask them to tell the story. The whole story. The way they tell it (their tone, wording, expressions, etc) can lead to some very important details as to why it's still bothering them.

@ThiamMeka2Gogue "What's the best way I could support you?" is a great question to ask. Even being honest about the fact that you don't fully understand the condition, but you'll be there to offer support, is a great place to start and make room for more conversation and understanding.

Q10. How can we support people who are having difficulty coping with life events?

@_GT_Coaching It depends on the relationship because they may not want support, but assuming they do, understanding where they are and showing them other possibilities without expectation can be useful.

@eriphar We can start with the question, "What do you need me to do?" and respect their answer at the time. Let them know where you will be and BE THERE if they reach out.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat.

Coming Up in Our Next #MTtalk on February 3

Traumatic and painful situations rarely come across our path without bringing uncertainty along. The effects of long-term uncertainty should not be underestimated because it can impact your physical and mental wellbeing. In our Twitter poll this week, we'd like to know how you tend to react when you're faced with a major life event that causes lots of uncertainty.

Useful Resources for Getting Over Something

Note that you will need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full.

Conflict Resolution

Supporting a Friend or Co-Worker Suffering From Stress

What Is a Duty of Care?

Lifeshocks: And How to Love Them

The Johari Window

How to Be Tactful

Asking for Help

Standing Up for Your People

Solution-Focused Coaching

Meditation for Stress Management

Bell and Hart's Eight Causes of Conflict

The post Surely You're Over That? – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

You may have started a new project or exercise regimen, or you're finally trying to finish writing that book. Your accountability partner is a trusted person who provides meaningful support as you work toward those goals.

Over the course of my career, I've been a better starter than a finisher. I love the thrill of generating ideas and launching projects. As I've matured, I've come to understand and value finishing. But that doesn't mean it's any less of a challenge, especially on larger projects.

For those bigger or longer-term initiatives, I've found that often an accountability partner can help me to stay on task – and yes, even finish!

But having a partner isn't like having a genie that will grant you three accountability wishes. It takes work and responsibility for both parties.

"If you want to go fast, go alone; but if you want to go far, go together."

African proverb

Accountability You Can Count On

The best and most effective accountability partnerships I've been a part of have had these six characteristics in common:

• Clarity. Have clear objectives in mind for your project or goal. And know exactly why you're seeking someone to help hold you accountable.
• Honesty. First, be honest with yourself. Why do I want to work with an accountability partner? Then be honest with your partner. How can they best help you to achieve your goals?
• Reciprocity. Make sure that your partnership isn't just a one-way street. Even if you're the person who's being helped, find ways to say "thank you" and perhaps help your partner with a challenge or goal they may be facing.
• Consistency. Set consistent times to meet. Share expectations and topics prior to each meeting. Follow up with action steps. Who does what next?
• Closure. Even if the partnership is ongoing and long-lasting, remember to close specific chapters as progress is made and projects are completed.
• Celebration. Make a big deal about your successes, no matter how small. And remember to express gratitude to the person who's helped you stay on task.

Accountability Partners' Checklist

Asking questions is a great way to define roles and responsibilities – and to set clear expectations up front for both partners.

One accountability partner I worked with for many years would ask some version of the same questions when I'd come to him with a new project, challenge or idea:

• What's your specific goal?
• What is your plan for achieving the goal?
• How much time will it take?
• Where will you find the time?
• When do you expect to finish?
• What might get in your way?
• How will you overcome this?
• What will success look like?

By getting me to answer these questions up front, he was already starting to hold me accountable. When I've been able to return the favor, and helped colleagues to stay accountable, I've found that it's just as rewarding for me as for the person I'm trying to help.

And by helping them to stay on task, I learn along the way and shore up my own accountability behaviors.

Help Is All Around – If You Know Where to Look

As you seek an accountability partner, understand that one type of partnership may not fit every situation or goal. I have colleagues who've joined accountability communities that meet regularly to help all members focus and make progress toward their individual goals.

And recently I've co-partnered with an accountability partner. They help me and I help them.

No matter the accountability path you choose, remember the basics: work with someone you trust; set clear goals; respect the time, talents and energy your partner is sharing; show up, do the work; share results; and thank them.

About This Week's "Accountability Partner" Chat

During Friday's #MTtalk Twitter chat, we discussed what to look for in an accountability partner, and how to be a good one. Here are all the questions we asked, and some of the best responses:

Q1. What does the phrase "accountability partner" mean to you?

@PG_pmp "Accountability partner" – a person who one can rely on at the time when needed most.

@SoniaH_MT To me, an accountability partner means a person who: is mutually trusted, has my best interest in mind, wants me to succeed, calls me out when I deviate from my stated course, offers me help when I seem to be struggling toward that stated goal.

Q2. What difference does an accountability partner make?

@Midgie_MT They help me to "stay honest," in that I cannot use excuses when I do not do something. It helps me to maintain focus rather than get distracted or use other jobs/tasks as a reason to not take action on my priority goal.

@Yolande_MT When you want to go rogue on your plan, knowing you have to report to your accountability partner is a great psychological "tool" to keep you on track.

Q3. Shouldn't we just hold ourselves accountable?

@Tanjiskas If no one is watching it is easy to do the easy thing we are used to. Our brain finds a way to justify doing the things we are comfortable [doing] with it. Tricks us into thinking that it is safer to keep everything as it is.

@SarahH_MT Well yes in an ideal world perhaps we would all hold ourselves accountable without the need for someone else to help us. But life is not that simple and anyway, why plough on alone when an accountability partner could help us thrive? Better together, right?

Q4. When have you found it most helpful to have an accountability partner?

@DhongdeSupriya The goals I know I won't be able to sustain, like walks after work... because I know I have someone waiting for me, I am able to push myself.

@harrisonia I would have loved to have accountability partners for things outside the workplace. It would've been helpful having these partners for accountability with industry advancement/opportunities or weight loss/management.

Q5. What qualities do you look for when you select an accountability partner?

@hopegovind Honesty, transparency, accountability, openness.

@NWarind Courage first, then sincerity.

Q6. Can you hold others accountable without being accountable yourself? Explain.

@BRAVOMedia1 One can only give what they possess within themselves. So one must be accountable in order to be a supportive mentor for others.

@SoniaH_MT If you hold others accountable without being accountable yourself, this is called being a hypocrite. (Especially as a leader, how can you ask me to do what YOU won't do?)

Q7. How far can/should you go when holding someone accountable?

@Midgie_MT I believe there is a limit between encouraging them to take the actions they said they were going to do, and pushing them to do it or insisting that they stay on course. Life happens and sometimes we do need to alter course.

@MikeB_MT It may help to have ground rules up front. So here's why we've engaged in this accountability partnership. Here's how we will meet and communicate. Here's how we know we're helping each other. That may help determine if I've gone too far (or not far enough!).

Q8. What should you not do as an accountability partner? Why?

@SarahH_MT Don't take over or make it all about you or make assumptions about how easy you think it should be. Don't judge them for doing things differently to how you would do it. And don't manage them or tell them off.

@ColfaxInsurance You should never seem like you're forcing someone to do anything. Set up a schedule to check in, don't nag all the time about whatever it is you're helping them stay accountable for. They'll end up resenting you if you come across as demanding or pushy.

Q9. Imagine you're an accountability partner, and you feel you're wasting your time. What do you do?

@TheTomGReid Affirming, encouraging, educating, are never wastes of time, though it can be [a] "pearls before swine" situation. Dispense kindness whenever you can. If another's choices cause you pain, it might be time to back away.

@Dwyka_Consult Ask if they still need you. If they say they do, have a conversation about expectations

Q10. How can you coach someone to become a great accountability partner?

@HloniphileDlam7 By demonstrating accountability and giving people the opportunity to transform and unlearn negative behaviors. Guiding and coaching individuals without embarrassing them is key.

@Yolande_MT Remind them to be assertive but gentle, have empathy but not be manipulated, have mercy/grace yet be willing to motivate and stretch someone.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat here.

Coming Up

While an accountability partner can play a major role in helping a person to accomplish a goal, people sometimes become defensive when they're held to account. Some people are just more defensive by nature.

In our Twitter poll this week, we want to know why you think people become defensive when you ask them a non-confrontational question. Vote here.

Accountability Partner Resources

(Note that you'll need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the following resources in full.)

Developing Personal Accountability

Working With Lazy People

Managing People With Low Ambition

Blanchard's ABCD Model of Trust

Performance Agreements

Helping Your People Develop Emotional Intelligence

Holding People Accountable

Supporting Your People

Taking Responsibility in a New Leadership Role

Engaging People in Learning

The post How to Be an Accountability Partner – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

In fact, she's been the treasurer for this, and the secretary for that, across a whole bunch of initiatives and organizations, throughout her adult life.

Here's a couple things about Sam. One, she's calm. Always. In a friendship now in its fourth decade, I have literally never heard her raise her voice in anger. This despite many provocations (often by me). She negotiates and persuades like a pro, but she never, ever, loses it.

What Listening Means

The other is that she listens. Really listens. We shoot the breeze like any other old friends do. But when the conversation turns serious – as it easily can between two people who trust each other – she changes.

Suddenly, I have the whole of her attention. She maintains eye contact, waits until I've finished what I'm saying, then summarizes what I've just said. And then she helps me find a way to sort my life out.

Learning to Listen

Truth be told, she unnerves me, even after all these years. Because as talents go, her ability to listen actively, almost forensically, is much rarer than it really ought to be. And I don't encounter it enough.

I thought of Sam when reading "How to Listen: Tools for Opening up Conversations When It Matters Most," by Katie Columbus and The Samaritans. The Samaritans are a U.K. charity specializing in providing emotional support to people contemplating suicide. If any organization knows the importance of effective listening, it's them.

And the good news from the book is that you don't have to be a naturally good listener, like Sam. We can all learn how to listen – and understand – better.

Knowing When to SHUSH

So what's the trick? Well, there isn't one. Not an easy one, anyway. In fact, important conversations often founder because the person who should be listening is too eager to intervene and "fix things."

Instead the book lays out five key principles involved in listening well: Show you care, Have patience, Use open questions, Say it back, and Have courage. The acronym drawn from these principles – SHUSH – may seem a little forced. But it does no harm to remember that being quiet often does more to open up a difficult conversation than anything else.

Why Listening Matters

For sure, not everyone will find themselves having a conversation with life-or-death consequences, as the Samaritans do. But even in less-testing situations, a book like this can be a big help.

Years ago, I was let go by a multinational corporation. The manager who delivered the news did so while checking his phone. As I haltingly began to ask the first of my many questions, his attention wandered to the traffic outside the office.

Not everyone finds emotional intelligence easy or natural. But at that moment, all I wanted was to be listened to, for five minutes. It wouldn't have changed a thing. I'd still have been out of a job. But I might at least have left the place thinking that I'd been valued.

And that's why this book is worth reading. It shows you what to do to build trust, to make a difference, and show you care. And in a world in which human connection suddenly seems much more important, those skills are vital.

Download Our "How to Listen" Book Insight

Mind Tools reviews the best new business and self-development books, alongside the tested classics, in its monthly Book Insight for the Mind Tools Club. So, if you're a Club member or enterprise licensee, you can download or stream the full "How to Listen" Book Insight in text or audio format.

If you haven't already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to all 2,400+ resources, including approximately 400 Book Insights. For a corporate solution, take a look at our Mind Tools for Business site.

How do you "actively" listen? What are good examples of it? How did being listened to – or not – make a difference in your life? Join the discussion below and let us know!

The post Why Listening Should Be Top of Our Lists appeared first on Mind Tools.

So I knew, as soon as I read the title, that Kim Scott's book, "Radical Candor," was going to force me to take a long, hard look at my relationship with the truth. Scott's model treads a line between what she calls Obnoxious Aggression and Ruinous Empathy, hence the Radical Candor of the title.

Being entirely honest sounds like a straightforward proposition. But it's human nature to assess how the whole truth will land first, before daring to speak it. Before opening my mouth, I may ask, "Is it safe to speak the truth? What if I annoy or anger someone? What if I lose my listener's respect, or worse still, lose my job?" In short, what if I don't get what I want?

On a Hiding to Nothing

Take the simplest and perhaps most frequent question we get asked, "How are you?" Sometimes the questioner really does want to know if we're in good health. Other times, the person is just breaking the ice before moving on to the real topic of conversation.

In my former years, I'd rarely tell the truth in answer to this question. Instead, I tended to hide my true feelings beneath a facade of confidence and competence. I wanted you to believe that I was robust, resilient and doing well, all of the time. I wanted to hide any sign of weakness.

This was especially the case at work.

I used to work as a news reporter, assigned to politics and big breaking stories like bomb attacks and earthquakes. Often, I toiled through the night or travelled across time zones, ignoring my need to rest.

Trust in a Radical Solution

I was exhausted and stressed, sometimes in tears. But if a boss asked me how I was doing, I'd tell them I was doing fine. And I'd tell them I was on top of the story, even if I was way behind. Why? Because I wanted to save face and I didn't want to provoke their disapproval or anger. I especially didn't want them to think that I wasn't up to the job.

But as Scott describes in her book, avoiding the truth often backfires. My bosses had no idea that I was burning out at work, until the day I called in sick. My burnout led to several months off work. By not telling the truth, my health suffered, my manager was denied the opportunity to support me, and my sick leave cost my company money.

Looking back, I didn't tell the truth because I didn't trust that I'd be heard, supported, or that my job would be safe. And this connects with one of the most important messages in Scott's book – that we need to build relationships based on trust. We need to do that in order to have frank conversations. Those frank conversations, in turn, lead to greater trust. It's a virtuous circle.

Safe Spaces Give Room to Grow

Scott's model provides a framework for these open conversations that build trust. Her radical candor concept is designed to help leaders strike the right balance, between caring for their employees as people and challenging them to do their best work. About always being direct but neither too hard nor too soft.

And it works both ways. Leaders need to be open to feedback, and team members need to feel that it's safe to say what's on their mind.

Looking back at my time in the corporate world, I didn't feel safe to share my vulnerabilities. I now see that this was both an internal and external problem. Internally, I was rigorously self-reliant following an unstable childhood; externally, I didn't feel there was much tolerance for weakness in the media industry back then.

An Honest Day's Work

I left my job 13 years ago and things have changed since then. Authentic leadership and vulnerability have become buzz words. Leaders are encouraged to bring their whole selves to work, to show that they're human beings not just human doings. With personal lives, strengths, and weaknesses, as Scott writes in her book.

If they can do this, they'll be more relatable and approachable, and those around them will feel free to have radically candid conversations. Including being honest about the fact that they're not coping with their workload or that they're heading for burnout.

This is when Scott's vision of an organization in which people feel able to speak truth to power, love their work, and love each other, becomes a real possibility.

Downloading Our "Radical Candor" Book Insight

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The post Radical Candor – The Truth Doesn't Always Need to Hurt appeared first on Mind Tools.

"Thankfulness may consist merely of words. Gratitude is shown in acts."

Just before my husband was due home in April, severe travel restrictions were put in place in both South Africa (where I live), and Sierra Leone (where he works) due to COVID-19.

As I write this, it's been 124 days since I last saw him. If you had told me a year ago that I wouldn't see my husband for four months or more, I probably would have said, "You'll bury me. I won't make it."

Yet, here I am today still hanging in there. I'm not saying it's easy: it's not. But I realized early on, I could either focus on everything I didn't like, or what I'm grateful for. So I chose the latter.

Even though my husband and I are 3,500 miles apart at the moment, I'm grateful that we are both alive and healthy, and that we have the prospect of seeing one another again.

The Gratitude Attitude

We're both grateful that he has a job while so many other people have lost theirs during the pandemic. I'm also grateful that we're able to support one another through the ups and downs of living in separate countries. But we still don't know when he'll be able to come home.

Of course, I'm also extremely grateful for technology that allows me to connect with him, my friends and my colleagues around the world. And I'm beyond grateful for my constant, loyal companion and "heartbeat at my feet" – Kaiser, the Rottweiler.

I decided to ask a few friends and colleagues how they used gratitude during this period of lockdown to help them cope with the situation.

Long-time friend and university buddy, Daleen Venter, shared the following: "I know for sure that if I didn't focus on gratitude, I wouldn't have coped. Every evening each of our family members (mom, dad and two young sons) say what they were thankful for that day.

Power of Gratitude

"It's helped us to shift our focus from what we were experiencing, to realize that we were still very fortunate. We felt humbled, and it motivated us to share our good fortune with others. Not just physically, but also through emotional support and encouragement.

"My husband helped others think of business ideas and helped them make plans to survive financially. At the same time, he made it a priority to help people deal with their fear and uncertainty.

"I believe that I kept depression at bay by being grateful and by not concentrating on my own problems – and it led to seemingly insurmountable problems being solved."

Colleague Michele Doucet also believes in the power of gratitude. Here's what she said, "I've made practicing gratitude a habit for a few years now. I first began my practice when faced with a life-threatening illness.

Gratitude: Practice Makes Perfect

"Every evening before I fell asleep, I recited what I was most grateful for in my life – love, family, friends, living in a safe country, having good food to eat and a roof over my head.

"In other words, the basic things that so many people in this world do not enjoy. My practice fueled my optimism and courage to deal with my treatment.

"During COVID-19, the benefits of practicing gratitude give me the mental strength to combat stress. I am well and thriving during the pandemic, something I am truly grateful for."

Another friend, Alison van der Walt, is grateful for technology that enables her still to be part of a social group with a difference. She is an expert fabric artist, but seeing that all gatherings were prohibited, she couldn't meet with other quilters.

Trying Situation

So, she joined a virtual quilting group. In total, they were 145 ladies from all over the country! She said, "It inspired me to keep going on, although I was alone. The colors of the fabric, designs and art are always therapeutic."

Sanna Zahoor is another of my colleagues, and she revealed, "For me cultivating gratitude is like having a superpower. That doesn't mean that it is easy to do, but just knowing how powerful it can be definitely helps me to keep on trying.

"Being in a situation as unique as this, with so many freedoms removed (which we previously took for granted), really calls for a change of perspective. For me, that's where gratitude comes in.

"Being upset about a situation, such as not being able to socialize with friends, or see work colleagues, is of course a valid feeling. But dwelling on that really doesn't change anything.

Do the Write Thing

"What can change how you feel, though, is to feel grateful (in this case) for technology, for helping us to stay connected with friends and colleagues.

"Noticing this immediately provides me with some relief, and the realization that things could be worse. Sometimes we don't necessarily reach the point of gratitude when we are feeling low. So, something I like to do is to keep a gratitude journal.

"I note five things I've been grateful for that day before going to bed, allowing myself to notice them – in case I missed them when they were happening!"

My friend (and pro dog trainer) Henri van der Linde said that although he lost his income, he was grateful that no one can take his skills away.

Shifting Up a Gear

Another colleague, Midgie Thompson said, "I've used gratitude to shift my perspective on things. Rather than get fearful for all that was happening 'outside', I focused on the smaller things around me that I was grateful for.

"Things like 'the basics' of food, shelter and the internet (definitely considered a basic during this time!), as well as connection with friends and family.

"At times, I reminded myself to be grateful for my health, my ability to breathe and to be able to take care of myself."

The Gratitude Habit

During our #MTtalk Twitter chat last Friday, we discussed the role and power of gratitude. Here are the questions we asked and some of your most insightful responses:

Q1. How can you be grateful if everything seems to be going wrong?

@MaryEllenGrom Change your perspective to focus on what is going right. Even the little things. EVERYTHING certainly can't be going wrong.

@ColeenWarden It's not always easy to feel grateful when everything seems to be hard. I think just taking one day at a time and celebrating your health, a hot shower, a good show that takes your mind off stuff or a yummy meal can be positives on hard days for sure.

Q2. Have you used gratitude as a tool to cope with a difficult situation? Did it work? Why/why not?

@WonderPix Gratitude helps us to change our perspective... being thankful for trees, sunshine, smiles, can take our focus away from negative things.

@MicheleDD_MT When dealing with cancer. It inspired optimism and resilience. I began my battle from a position of strength, and gratitude sustained me throughout the treatments.

Q3. In your opinion, what is the opposite of practicing gratitude?

@carriemaslen Sense of entitlement and sense of unworthiness.

@DrRossEspinoza Arrogance, inwardness, selfishness.

Q4. In what ways do you usually express your gratitude?

@lsmurthy99 Appreciation and being kind reflect the emotional connection of gratitude, in recognizing and valuing people and their perspectives.

@shamikv Pay attention, say thank you, and send out a prayer for people's well-being.

Q5. What helps you get into the habit of gratitude?

@JKatzaman Having a grateful and courteous mindset will make gratitude a reflex rather than an afterthought.

@hopegovind Reflect. Reflect how your life has positively moved in this journey. Realize how many people are around you to help you. Think how much your family and friends love you. Just got a call from a friend, he said, "You must stay alive, city needs you in this tough time."

Q6. Is gratitude a mindset or a ritual? Explain.

@J_Stephens_CPA If you need to develop it as a mindset, then the ritual can help.

@DhongdeSupriya It's a habit but can be developed at any age and juncture.

Q7. What are the benefits of practicing gratitude?

@Yolande_MT I feel buoyant and light when I practice gratitude. It opens up space within me for creativity, random acts of kindness, etc. I feel heavy and dense when I'm ungrateful. It's as if there's no space for anything else – it blocks out light.

@ZalkaB It helps you feel less alone or abandoned, unworthy. It helps you remember you're exactly where you need to be at the moment. It helps you be calm and at peace with yourself. Practicing #gratitude is helpful to practice new habits.

Q8. What is the connection between gratitude, behavior and performance?

@PmTwee Gratitude is a feel-good factor about oneself while being thankful to others, so obviously behavior will be mindful and hence lead to performance in what you do.

@NWarind When you are grateful to have work/business, your behavior changes, which mostly enhances your performance.

Q9. The gratitude habit develops mental strength. Agree/disagree? How?

@SizweMoyo Agree. Doing more to be more grateful for, we're willing to take more risks, bigger ones too.

@jo_stanford_pm Agree, it helps to start the day in a positive way and also to deal with challenges in a creative and constructive way when they do come. My mantra is, "If nobody died it is a good day!" in which case whatever is wrong doesn't need to be a big drama it just needs a plan.

Q10. How might you help others to develop gratitude?

@Midgie_MT Holding each other accountable by exchanging daily gratitude lists.

@SDFACUK By being grateful myself.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat over here.

Coming Up

Cultivating the habit of gratitude can help you see challenging situations from a different perspective. But what helps you cope with challenging mindsets or beliefs? In our next #MTtalk, we're going to discuss our biggest challenges – and in our poll this week, we'd like to know which mindsets/beliefs most often challenge you. To see the poll and cast your vote, please click here.

Resources

In the meantime, here are some resources relating to the topic we discussed:

Broaden and Build Theory

Appreciative Inquiry

Are You a Positive or Negative Thinker?

Coaching to Explore Beliefs and Motives

Deming's Five Diseases of Management

Building a Culture of Purpose in Your Organization

Understanding Workplace Values

Employer Branding: Creating a Worker-Friendly Culture

Cognitive Restructuring

Managing a Person With a Victim Mentality

A Bit of Perfume

Leading by Example

Authentic Leadership

Humility

The post The Gratitude Habit — #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

"Panic causes tunnel vision. Calm acceptance of danger allows us to more easily assess the situation and see the options."

How Do You Cope in an Emergency?

I wish every blog I write could be about a happy story. But life doesn't work that way. And what would a happy emergency look like anyway?

Maybe winning the lottery? I'm not sure. I have it on good authority that winning the lottery doesn't necessarily make a person happy.

Whether we like it or not, much of our growth takes place in the less-than-happy times. We can also often develop understanding and empathy for other people's circumstances when we're going through testing times ourselves...

Paradise Lost

Even though I grew up in the city, I had always dreamed of living on a farm. My then-husband and I moved to one shortly after the fall of apartheid in South Africa. I was ecstatic!

As well as keeping all kinds of animals, starting a huge vegetable garden, and restoring the old farmhouse, I also threw myself into working in a previously disadvantaged community close to us. It seemed like I was living in paradise, but it turned out not to be a paradise after all.

One morning while I was going about my chores in one of the outbuildings (I also ran a farm stall), a man living on a neighboring farm came in. He asked for a lift to town. I knew the person fairly well; it was someone we had helped previously, and I had no reason to doubt his intentions.

But because I wasn't going to town until much later in the day, he asked me to call a cab. About five minutes after I had made the phone call, the man came back into the shop. Suddenly he jumped onto the counter, and my first thought was that there must be a snake on the floor. (Don't laugh at my naïveté – there were some nasty snakes in the area!)

Money or Your Life

Then, as if in slow motion, I saw his hand go behind his back and reappear holding a knife. He started shouting at me to give him money or he'd stab me. He was about to jump off the counter toward me when I heard someone else shouting. Only after a second or two did I realize that I was hearing myself shouting!

The man was now just a few feet away from me, and trying to open the cash register. Movement at the back door caught his attention – my rottweiler, who had heard my shouts and come charging in. In a flash, the man had jumped over the counter again and run out the front door.

After making a few phone calls, the police arrived, my husband arrived, and our neighboring farmers all came to see how they could help. Although I'd suffered no physical harm, except for a superficial cut, I was shaken to my core.

Breaking Point

We, the police, and our neighbors patrolled the area for hours looking for the perpetrator. He wasn't caught, but the police were satisfied that he wasn't around anymore.

I struggled to fall asleep that evening. After I woke up the next morning, my first words were "What a nightmare." My husband didn't understand and asked why I said that. In his mind, the criminal wasn't in the area any longer, so everything was OK.

Yet for me, it was just the beginning – and I tried to deal with everything on my own. But, eventually, I had to seek medical help. I had almost reached breaking point. Dealing with an emergency on your own is a special kind of lonely, and it's not healthy.

Reach Out, Look In

I have since learned to deal with emergencies differently. Reaching out to others is high on my list of priorities, and I take all the help I can get. I make sure that I recognize my emotions. I feel them and I deal with them – as and when they happen.

It's no good denying them; that only makes them want to surface more forcefully. I get medical help if it's necessary, and I communicate with the people around me, to help them to understand what I'm going through.

I've also learned to ask others how they want me to support them – and I'll keep on reaching out to them until I'm sure that they're OK.

How Do You Cope in an Emergency?

During our #MTtalk Twitter chat last Friday, we talked about how people cope in an emergency.

Here are some of your most insightful responses:

Q1. What do you think of first when you hear the word "emergency"?

@carriemaslen When I hear the word emergency, I immediately want to take stock of the situation. Who's where, what's at stake, how severe, what do we need to do.

@Jikster2009 Urgency vs panic. What is the actual emergency, who does it affect, and how?

Q2. What emergencies have you faced at work?

@J_Stephens_CPA We have had to deal with tornados in our office. Fortunately, they missed our office, but we spent an hour in the inside room. Our IL office had an armed intruder situation the week before I went there one year.

@carriemaslen We had a major product fail at work. Required all hands on deck to resolve.

Q3. What's your usual reaction to an emergency?

@BrainBlenderTec I analyze it in my mind's eye and look for the best possible scenario, and then do that.

@realDocHecht Depending on the situation, make sure everyone is safe and get to a safe area. Call for help if need be. It's difficult to stay calm in an emergency.

Q4. And what would you *like* your response to be?

@MicheleDD_MT Take deep breaths. This calms the mind & breaks the fight/flight response.

@PG_pmp How can I resolve situation to normal without any harm of any kind to any one?

Q5. What are some strategies to remain clearheaded in an emergency?

@Yolande_MT Shift your focus from how you feel to what you need to do, from emotional to practical. Acknowledge how you feel and then ask, "What do I need to do RIGHT NOW to cope/make this better?"

@Kringle Don't panic. Calm is improved by avoidance and pre-risk preparation. Thus all the old sayings, "measure twice cut once", "a stitch in time saves 9", "ounce of prevention = pound of cure" etc. Absent that, you have to really put things into perspective.

Q6. Who do you connect with when dealing with an emergency?

@DanielMaithyaKE People with expertise in the area of emergency.

@realDocHecht If need be the police, but operations or safety committee.

Q7. How would you like others to respond to you when you're dealing with an emergency?

@ZalkaB Please don't tell somebody who is in distress or emergency to calm down and not overreact. But try to listen, offer solutions and just try to empathize and be there for somebody.

@Midgie_MT I would prefer only comments from people who know what is needed, rather than 'helpful' suggestions that are not in fact helpful.

Q8. How might you support someone else as they are dealing with an emergency?

@lg217 Comfort them. Let them know they are not alone. Be by their side.

@harrisonia To support someone else who is dealing with an emergency, I am VERY conscious of my behavior and don't want to do anything that will bring them additional stress. I asked him if I can be of assistance and wait for them to respond.

Q9. How can you prepare your team for emergency situations?

@PmTwee Mock or drill all possible risk solutions to handle emergencies on a regular basis. Review with team to find best practices.

@Jikster2009 Practice. Everyone rolled their eyes at the words role play but by completing drills and discussing outcomes you can help people prepare. Have an agreement in place, assign roles and responsibilities in case of emergency.

Q10. What are your recommendations for what to do after an emergency has passed?

@YEPBusiness It's a good idea to gather the people and debrief. Let them tell their stories so PTSD is reduced. Validate whatever they're feeling and ensure that people can be guided out of emergency mode gently. Human touch is crucial at that time.

@SizweMoyo Be honest with yourself about where you are mentally after that stressful situation and learn to laugh at yourself compassionately. There's always something you could've done better or differently, of course, but yet you survived that storm with a hole in your jacket.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat over here.

Coming Up

In an emergency, we tend to reach out to the people in our "tribe" at work. The topic of our next #MTtalk chat is "Who's Your Tribe?"

In our Twitter poll this week we want to know why you think people want to be part of a tribe. Please cast your vote here.

Resources

In the meantime, here are some resources relating to the topic we discussed (some of which may only be available to members of the Mind Tools Club):

Empathy at Work

How to Keep Calm in a Crisis

Planning for a Crisis

Managing Post-Traumatic Growth

Dealing With Anxiety

Physical Relaxation Techniques

Communicating in a Crisis

Coping With Change

How to Manage People With PTSD

Managing Conflicting Priorities

Cognitive Restructuring

Managing Your Boundaries

How to Join

Follow us on Twitter to make sure that you don't miss out on any of the action for our next #MTtalk chat Friday 13 March! We'll be tweeting out 10 questions during our hour-long chat.

To participate in the chat, type #MTtalk in the Twitter search function. Then, click on "All Tweets" and you'll be able to follow the live chat feed. You can join the chat by using the hashtag #MTtalk in your responses.

The post How Do You Cope in an Emergency? – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.