This connection was recognized by the entrepreneur and communications expert Morra Aarons-Mele and she explores it in her hit podcast, The Anxious Achiever. 

Anxiety’s Upside 

She has now written a book of that name, subtitled “Turn Your Biggest Fears Into Your Leadership Superpower.” When I spoke to Aarons-Mele for our latest Mind Tools Expert Interview, she explained how anxiety can be a double-edged sword. 

Here's an excerpt. (You can stream the audio clip below or read a transcript here.)

For the anxious among us, it’s nice to know there can be an upside to the uncomfortable symptoms we often feel: racing heart, churning stomach, aching brain.  

The trick is to “look our anxiety in the face and work with it,” Aarons-Mele says. Then we can harness the powerful drivers of those symptoms to produce our best work and reduce our discomfort. 

Freeing Yourself From Thought Traps

In her book, she shines a light on what causes anxiety in conscientious people, including negative self-talk, all-or-nothing thinking, catastrophizing, and overthinking. In each case, she offers tips for escaping those thought traps. 

For example, if you can recognize that you’re catastrophizing, you can actively try to interrupt those thoughts with more rational ones.  

“I can literally try to replace the instantaneous thought of, ‘It’s all your fault. You suck. You’re getting fired,’ with, ‘Okay, maybe this wasn’t your best month. Let’s look at the data. Let’s try to just bring some more neutral information in. Let’s try to breathe. Even if you did get fired, let’s play out the worst-case scenario and see what would happen’,” she says. “That kind of interruption for me – and it’s evidence based – is really powerful.” 

Perfectionism Is Anxiety 

As a recovering perfectionist myself, I was interested that Aarons-Mele devotes a whole chapter to perfectionism. 

When I asked her why, she said that perfectionism is a common problem for anxious achievers, and it’s often misunderstood.  

“Perfectionism, I learned in my study, is not always being amazing and giving everything you’ve got and creating the most incredible product ever made. Perfectionism’s anxiety: it’s a sense that, ‘If I am not perfect, I’m not worth it’,” she told me. 

The Terrifying Typo 

On the face of it, the job of a writer and editor aligns positively with perfectionism. Being exceptionally careful about facts, grammar usage and spelling is the sweet spot of editorial work. In fact, the more perfectionist an editor is, the better – or so it always seemed to me. 

When I was editor-in-chief of a small weekly newspaper, I wore my perfectionism like a badge of honor. I invented processes for myself that demanded a lot of time and high levels of concentration. If I was editing an article, I’d never read it fewer than three times, proudly announcing to whoever would listen that I’d found something new to correct every time.  

But this extreme attention to detail wasn’t always helpful. I remember finding a typo in the small print of an advertising supplement freshly delivered from the printer. I was horrified. I picked up a pair of scissors and scratched at the misplaced letter until it was obliterated in a scruff of newsprint. Sleepless nights followed, punctuated by harebrained “solutions” like pulping the lot and reprinting a new, perfect batch of magazines.  

Remembering this incident now, I still feel mortified about the error, even though my rational mind reminds me that, as far as I know, no one noticed it. If they did, it had no consequences, which is more or less the same as no one noticing. 

Having heard Aarons-Mele’s take on this particular thought trap, I can see that my response to the typo was multifaceted. It was about producing the best product I could, but it was also about proving my own worth, to myself and other people. My motivation got tangled up, so that when I saw that tiny mistake in print, it registered with me as a total personal fail.  

Let’s Be Excellent 

Perfectionists need to stand back and give themselves an easier time of it, Aarons-Mele believes. We control the urge to be perfect, not the other way around. 

“If we can moderate [perfectionism] and get it out of our way, as one of my favorite interviews in the book – Dr Thomas Greenspan – says, ‘We’ll still be excellent, just without all the attending anxiety’,” she reflects.  

But anxious achievers, don’t worry! This isn’t about lowering our standards. It’s about accepting that life happens and mistakes can slip through. And that “excellent” is – truly – as worthy an outcome as “perfect.” 

Listen to the Full Story

You can listen to or read my full 30-minute interview with Morra Aarons-Mele if you're a Mind Tools member or if your employer is a Mind Tools for Business licensee.

If you're not already a member, join Mind Tools now to gain unlimited access to 2,400+ resources, including our back catalog of 200+ Expert Interviews. Or find out more about Mind Tools for whole organizations, big or small, by contacting our enterprise team.

Meanwhile, catch more excerpts and insights from my guests by searching our Expert Interview blog topic and by signing up free to the Mind Tools Expert Voices podcast.

The post Aim for Excellent, Not Perfect: My Expert Interview With Morra Aarons-Mele  appeared first on Mind Tools.

All of my close friends had both parents living at home, and many of them were wealthy. They came to school in cars that started without a push, and they went on expensive holidays. Despite good grades and sporting accolades, I felt like I didn't deserve to be there.

My sense of imposter syndrome got worse when I won a place at Oxford University. There, I met people whose fathers were diplomats in Africa, or whose mothers had studied at Oxford themselves. I was from a single-parent family in Liverpool. My dad was a retired shipping clerk while my mum had worked at an array of jobs, but never had a career.

The next rung on the ladder of my social climb was also the final straw. I got a job as a political journalist, working in Britain's Houses of Parliament. So I traveled with prime ministers and reported on wars and terrorist attacks. I'd got the job on merit, but I never felt good enough. I was always waiting to be found out.

Identify the Imposter

No surprise, then, that I did what any "imposter" would do in those circumstances – I overcompensated. I worked long hours, took on too much, abandoned my personal life, and wreaked havoc on my health. I drank to excess, overate, and exercised compulsively. By my mid-thirties, I'd burned out.

Which is why Dr Jessamy Hibberd's book "The Imposter Cure" spoke to me so much. I recognized myself in the case studies of her clients, and in her descriptions of people who go through life feeling like a fraud on the inside, while performing well on the outside.

Her exploration of the causes of low self-esteem, insecurity, and self-doubt especially struck a chord and took me way back – to the day I came home from school with a report card that boasted a string of A grades and one solitary B.

Dad asked, "What happened here, love?"

I see now that he was probably poking fun at me. He wasn't a stern man. But in that moment, I understood that my results hadn't been good enough. Must do better. Have to work harder. Must achieve 100 percent.

Break the Perfectionist Cycle

The seed of perfectionism was planted. It later grew into a compulsion to overwork as well as to procrastinate, for fear my performance would never match up. Workaholism, perfectionism and procrastination are the killers of joy, creativity and productivity.

For years, these behaviors robbed me of the opportunity to fulfill my potential and to have a balanced and healthy life. My journey also supports Hibberd's conclusion that we can break free from this pernicious cycle and challenge our inner imposter.

My burnout led me to re-evaluate my work and my life. I understood that no amount of external praise was going to fix how I felt or heal the wounds from my childhood (the school report card wasn't the only experience that scarred me). It was an inside job.

And I had to learn to recognize and celebrate my own achievements – to pause before moving on to the next thing. I had to learn to esteem myself and build up my confidence. More than that, I had to become more comfortable with failure and with making mistakes. And, most importantly, I had to slow down and create a more balanced life.

Self-Care, Not Sabotage

There are two big milestones on my journey. The first is my wedding day a year ago. I'd finally managed to stop overworking, to allow space for more fun, self-care, dating – and, ultimately, a committed relationship. I got married at 48 after decades of neglecting my personal life.

The second is the publication of my first book in 2017. In the past, my inner perfectionist would have sabotaged my efforts and I'd still be quibbling over the words. But it's done. It's out there. And readers are loving it.

I'm now writing my second and my third books. And these days, when people ask, I can even call myself a writer without feeling like an imposter. That's huge progress.

Downloading Our "The Imposter Cure" Book Insight

We review the best new business books and the tested classics in our monthly Book Insights, available in text form or as 15-minute audio downloads.

So, if you're a Mind Tools Premium Club member or corporate user, download or stream our "The Imposter Cure" Book Insight now.

If you haven't already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to our 2,400+ resources, including 390+ Book Insights. For corporate membership, ask for a demo with one of our team.

Have you experienced Imposter Syndrome? What are your strategies for overcoming it? Join the discussion below!

The post I No Longer Feel Like a Fraud – I'm Not an Imposter! appeared first on Mind Tools.

"Expectations were like fine pottery. The harder you held them, the more likely they were to crack."

Have your relationships ever suffered because of the expectations that you had of other people? Or maybe you made a premature move because of your career expectations and sabotaged your progress. If so, you're not alone!

The Relationship Expectation Minefield

I found it quite hard to adapt after I got married the first time. What made it harder was that I had a whole list of expectations about my husband.

I expected him to be as disciplined as my dad was when it came to routine tasks. He wasn't. I also expected him to be a deep thinker – which he wasn't (yet). But the biggest issue was that I expected him to apologize after we had an argument.

For me, his version of "I'm sorry" just didn't cut it. Looking back now, I know there was nothing wrong with the way he apologized. It just didn't match my expectations of how "sorry" should look and feel. Time and again it would lead to a brand new argument that started with, "If you say sorry like that, don't even bother to say it!"

Of course, at the time I didn't have the knowledge or self-awareness to realize that it was not my husband's behavior that had caused the issues, but my expectations. However, that realization only came with maturity.

Expectations About Work Relationships

Relationships at work can also suffer if you have very specific expectations about how people should respond to you, or how they should behave in certain situations.

I'm not referring to acceptable and unacceptable behavior here. I mean the expectations we sometimes have that other people should behave in exactly the same way that we do.

If you expect a colleague who's not a "morning person" to give you a bright and cheery high-five every morning, for example, you're bound to be disappointed. Or, if you expect a quiet, introverted colleague to "shout it from the rooftops" when something great happens, it's just not going to happen.

Instead, we need to accept people as they are, not as we want them to be.

Do You Expect Too Much of Yourself?

Maybe it has something to do with the era I grew up in, but we were taught to have extremely high expectations of ourselves. You had to excel in everything you did.

That mindset spilled over into my work life, and I "translated" it into putting in extremely long hours. If I didn't work a 12- or 14-hour day, I felt disappointed in myself.

I also had very high expectations about my career progression. I believed that if I didn't get promoted within two years of starting at a company, then I wasn't working hard enough.

And, if I didn't do everything to the highest possible standard it simply wasn't good enough. My expectations of myself were so high that I sometimes struggled to live in my own skin.

Flying Too High

As a child, the story of Icarus' wings fascinated me. I thought he was really stupid to go flying too high, too near the sun, with those wings held together by wax.

Unfortunately, I saw it often in the workplace. People "fly too high" financially but later on they struggle to afford their lifestyle.

Others expect to progress through the ranks quicker than is warranted, causing them to act – ironically – in a way that actually sabotages their career prospects. I've also seen more than a few people resign because they've become resentful of their lack of progression, only for them to realize much later that quitting was a very poor career decision.

Managing Your Expectations

During our #MTtalk Twitter chat last Friday, we talked about managing our expectations. Here are some of your most insightful responses.

Q1. What expectations do you have of your role/for progression?

It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that expectations have to be about promotion. But they're also about knowing where you fit in, and being recognized for your achievements.

@Midgie_MT That I will be challenged to do my best, and to be respected and appreciated for my contribution.

@JoanaRSSousa I'm really bad at managing expectations, because I keep them very low. I prefer to work, do my best, invest in my community, and let the work talk for itself.

Q2. What expectations do you have of your manager or leader and their behavior?

@J_Stephens_CPA Positive and constructive feedback and some proactive guidance. It's not all roses and it's not all thorns.

@SizweMoyo More than anything I expect to be led. It's so disappointing to have a leader who doesn't lead.

Q3. What expectations do you have of your co-workers or team members?

It's best to talk about behavioral expectations – so that you don't expect people to behave in a certain way, even though you've never told them what it is. Here are some more expectations that people shared during the chat.

@Yolande_MT I expect team members and colleagues to be who they are. It makes it easier for everybody.

@JKatzaman I expect co-workers and team members to do their best to get along. Life is not all rosy, but there are inevitable thorns to work around rather than fight.

Q4. Are expectations the same as hopes or goals or dreams or rights or...?

@realDocHecht I think expectations and goals can be the same but a little different, too. When someone expects me to act a certain way, that is not exactly a goal. Hope that makes sense!

@BrainBlenderTec Hopes and dreams are generalized usually as "the best" or "better." Goals are to strive for. Rights are usually legislated, so they're baseline. Expectations are personal mix of all the above.

Q5. How realistic are your expectations?

@MicheleDD_MT Sometimes, not very realistic. I can make assumptions about why someone’s behavior doesn’t match my "ideal." The question to ask is: how realistic is my ideal? And, does everyone believe the same things that I do?

@Mphete_Kwetli They're aligned with what I'm practicing in my actions, and I'm still learning through the process.

Q6. How has an expectation set you up for disappointment in the past?

@ZalkaB When feelings or care was not reciprocated. When I felt like people should've invested more of their time, commitment or work into a project with a (not so good) outcome, and that I'd have done it differently – that was a big lesson for me.

@Midgie_MT When I was expecting others to behave and do exactly like I would do. I learned that is never the case!

Q7. What have you learned from disappointments?

@harrisonia Honestly, lowering my expectations has definitely decreased the frequency of my disappointments.

@realDocHecht To move on. It happens and it sucks, but if you can take something from it and change – then good!

Q8. Which expectations do you need to manage better? Why?

@Yolande_MT I need to manage my expectations of others' work ethic very carefully.

@SizweMoyo My expectations that life will fall into place after my every effort to make sure it does are probably most in need of repair. That's where most of my disappointment comes from.

Q9. How have you managed others' expectations of you?

@MarkC_Avgi By trying to always be honest, open and consistent in my words and actions. Delivering and doing what I say I am going to do. Communicating to ensure that their expectations of me are realistic; I am only human, I can only do so much and I make mistakes.

@Mphete_Kwetli Be yourself first, and make clear to them what your abilities are.

Q10. How will you mentor a junior employee about managing their expectations?

@JKatzaman Mentor junior employees by listening first. Remember, you are helping them form their own expectations, not imposing yours on them.

@MicheleDD_MT Coach them on what is possible now and the steps they need to take to get them where they want to go.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat.

Coming Up

Often, the hardest expectations you have to manage are your expectations of yourself, and how much you "should" be able to do. The topic of our next #MTtalk chat is "How Much Can You Do In a Day?"

In our Twitter poll this week, we’d like to know how you decide when to stop working, even if your to-do list is still full of unchecked items. Please cast your vote here.

Resources

In the meantime, here are some resources relating to the topic we discussed last week (some of them may only be available to members of the Mind Tools Club):

Self-Sabotage

Avoiding Managerial Self-Sabotage

Betari Box

Perfectionism

How to Manage Controlling People

Asking for Help

Stop Playing the "Blame Game"

How to Learn From Your Mistakes

5 Ways to Deal With Rudeness in the Workplace

How to Deal With Unrealistic Customers

Managing Unsociable People

The Psychological Contract

How Resilient Are You?

The post Managing Your Expectations – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

“Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is believing you're worthy of the trip.” 
― Glenn Beck, American radio and television personality.

Nowadays, many of us see police or military patrols in our cities, as we visit tourist attractions or use facilities like airports and train stations. For some people, they're an unwelcome reminder of an unseen threat. For all, they symbolize our collective awareness that, in certain circumstances, we need people who are trained and alert to keep us safe.

Over the years, I've come to realize that I also need two big, strong "soldiers" at the entrance and exit points of my thoughts.

I need one to keep guard over what I allow into my mind: what I see, read, listen to, and talk about.  The other must watch for the harmful thoughts that slip out and threaten to ruin how I feel about myself. This sentry plays an important role in keeping my self-confidence, and even my self-worth, intact and strong.

Who Sees the Ugly Me?

I'm sure that I'm not the only person around who has "bad hair" days and "fat" days. What I've noticed, though, is that people around me hardly ever see the "ugly" that I do – it mostly exists in my head.

When I give such a thought the opportunity to grow, it seems to attach itself to my self-worth like a leech. Before long it starts draining me of energy and I feel as if everybody sees the "ugly me" that I see in my head. And before long I start acting as if that's the real me. Both my performance and my relationships suffer, as this poor view of myself spills out into the workplace.

The only thing that can change what happens "in the moment" is my conscious decision to shift my thoughts into a different gear. Instead of focusing on the negative things that I feel about myself, I have to remember that I'm still the same me that I felt so good about yesterday – even if my hair doesn't look quite as nice as it did then!

Self-Worth and Thought Awareness

In our Twitter poll last week, 35 percent of you said that you'd like to become better at mindful self-awareness. (See how our participants voted about other aspects of self-management they'd like to improve, here.)

During this latest #MTtalk, we explored the connection between how we think, what we say to ourselves, and how that leads us to feel and to perform. Here are all the questions that we asked during the chat, with some more of our followers' responses.

Q1. What is self-worth? And what is low self-worth?

@SayItForwardNow Self-worth is our assessment of the value we bring to relationships & to our work. When it is low, we need to understand WHY?

@NBlairHRDigital Self-worth is the lens which you view yourself through. Low self-worth means that you don't feel worthy of good things.

Q2. What is the effect, both personally and professionally, of persistently low self-worth?

@EdNavigation Impacts relationships, families, work. People either find you draining or prefer not to engage. And depression may emerge.

@tweetgayusri Persistent low self-worth is like having diamonds in hand and begging others for food.

Q3. How do you know when your self-worth or the self-worth of others has been affected? What are the signs?

@Yolande_MT Someone with affected self-worth is often critical. The less you like yourself the more you criticize other people.

@VinceSkolny There are as many manifestations of robbed self-worth as individuals robbed of it. One consistent behavior underlying them: those robbed of self-worth always seek approval from others.

Q4. Are some people more susceptible to low self-worth than others? Why?

@SanabriaJav I think a person's background such as their socioeconomic upbringing can affect their self-worth. There are many variables.

@Jikster2009 I believe we are all susceptible due to any given life event, however those who tend to suffer social anxiety/depression more so.

Many participants commented on the effects of what we hear about ourselves while growing up, including:

@harrisonia Yes! Those who grew up in (or still live in) abusive or emotionally unbalanced homes can be more susceptible to low self-worth.

Q5. Can you influence someone else's self-worth, or only your own?

@WonderPix I think we can help fill others' buckets, but they have to repair the holes so it doesn't leak out.

@BrainBlenderTec You can influence someone's self-worth by comments, gestures, or even expressions that build them up or tear them down.

Q6. What is thought awareness?

@JKatzaman Thought awareness is knowing you don't operate in a vacuum. Your thoughts carry over to your actions, which cascade over others.

@d78stock Thought awareness – the ability to be aware of what your thoughts are (negative or positive), how they impact on self and others.

Q7. How can you become more aware of your predominant thought patterns?

@work_it_brum Self-care. Is it daily list making? Is it meditating? It will be different for everyone, but taking the time will help you focus.

@MurrayAshley Through observing them and also trying to see what triggered them.

@MicheleDD_MT Get curious about what are the facts behind the story you are telling yourself. What’s really going on?

Q8. What's the connection between self-worth, thought awareness and self-talk?

@Midgie_MT Negative self-talk can lower self-worth. When you are not aware of what is said, it can bring you down. Becoming aware helps.

@Jikster2009 They are all connected by our perceptions/mind talk and internal thought processing.

Q9. When and why should you pay extra attention to your self-talk?

@manavlalotra If the TALK is turning into NOISE – stop right there and clear the noise. Negative self-talk is as effective as positive, but it harms!

@KarlaRevolution During challenging times. This is when our thinking can be the worst. If we can change in those moments the rest are easy.

Q10. What helps you to shift the negative self-talk towards more positive self-talk?

@jeremypmurphy We must stop our meaningless complaining and fill our brains with confidence through positivity and inspiration.‬

@temekoruns It's easier to shift negative thinking after recognizing there are other people in worse situations doing better.

@cdemgo Going over my diary and reviewing how I overcame challenges in the past. Journaling helps to reflect and maintain perspective.

Next time on #MTtalk...

When you know your self-worth, and can recognize the value of other people, it's easier to get along with them. What do you think is most important when communicating to connect? Cast your vote in our poll over here.

In our next #MTtalk on Friday, September 29, our topic is "Connecting at Work." To share your thoughts and ideas, please join us at 1 p.m. EDT/ 5 p.m. GMT/ 10:30 p.m. IST. Simply type #MTtalk in the Twitter search function. Then, click on “All Tweets” and you’ll be able to follow the live chat feed. To take part in the conversation, include #MTtalk in your tweet and it will show up in the chat feed.

Self-Worth and Thought Awareness Resources

In the meantime, here are some resources that will help you to learn more about self-worth and thought awareness:

Self-Mastery

Using Affirmations

Perfectionism

Journaling for Professional Development

Dealing With Anxiety

Overcoming Impostor Syndrome

Beating Self-Sabotage

Are You a Positive or Negative Thinker?

Self-Determination Theory

Cognitive Restructuring

Developing Self-Awareness

Stress Diaries

Thought Awareness, Rational Thinking and Positive Thinking

Mindfulness

The post Self-Worth and Thought Awareness – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.