"We will avoid something in proportion to how much it can affect our identity."

The Law of Avoidance

So says Mark Manson, best-selling author of "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a ****." It's an anti-self-help self-help book that's sold millions of copies, earning Manson legions of adoring fans and a new movie on Netflix.

In the book, Manson tells you that you are not special, chasing a positive mindset is dangerous, and that we should embrace negative emotions and take responsibility for our actions and feelings. These ideas may go against the grain of current trends in self-improvement, but Manson has found a very receptive audience.

The book provides a powerful lesson in resilience, but what does it have to do with identity, exactly?

Manson's Law of Avoidance

Manson describes the above quote as his "Law of Avoidance." Essentially, the idea is that we'll avoid something equal to how it can affect our identity; we are so wedded to our sense of self that we won't step outside that comfort zone.

And it kind of rings true, doesn't it? When I'm faced with anything involving numbers (like dividing up a restaurant check), I freeze up. I work with words; I can't do numbers! I'm likely to say, "Numbers aren't my strong suit – someone else figure it out!" On the more extreme end, I'm unlikely to go skydiving. That's just not me. I don't do that kind of thing.

And Manson's law doesn't just apply to bad, scary or unpleasant things. "You will avoid negative things that threaten your identity like failure, loss, and rejection. But you will also avoid positive things that threaten your identity – even things like success, love, and happiness," says Manson.

I initially struggled to reconcile this idea. Why on earth would we avoid something we enjoy? But then it struck me that it applies to something I'm going through right now.

Avoiding Good Things

I love music. And recently I was invited to go to a festival. The problem was that of the large group of friends going, I only knew one person. The rest of them I'd never even met. So when I was proposed this idea, my instant reaction was, "No way!"

My internal monologue was yelling that I'm a shy introvert. Big groups feel intimidating. What if I don't fit in? What if I feel trapped and like I'm ruining other people's time? I'd much rather stay at home and not go through the hassle.

Fortunately, my inner Mark Manson kicked in and I agreed to go and secured a ticket.

Now, when I really think about it, I know I'm going to have a great time. I love seeing live music, I like meeting people (even if it can be tiring), and I'm excited. And Manson would also remind me that I'm not special – no one else will really care much about me!

How I conceive of my identity (introvert, don't like going out of my comfort zone) can stop me from doing things I enjoy. Manson says, "The more something scares you, the more you should just do it." Instead of being boxed in by your identity, take a step out of your comfort zone and dive in. Let's hope he's right. I'm going this week.

Resilience and Identity

The more I think about it, the more resilience and identity seem to live hand in hand.

Consider the idea of "impostor syndrome," which has struck a chord in recent years. That sense that you've overreached, that you don't deserve to be where you are, and the fear that you'll be "found out." Ironically, this often afflicts the most objectively competent people: it has nothing to do with real ability, just how we see ourselves.

Similarly, fear of failure and fear of success also plague workers worldwide. You might be so afraid of "failing" that you don't ever take a risk or try something new. Or you might be anxious about the increased responsibility of success and feel like you'll never be able to live up to expectations.

When something threatens our identity we avoid it. And so when we're forced into that situation we don't know how to respond. With his law of avoidance, Manson implores us to embrace discomfort, stop chasing external validation, and chose a path based on our own values and wishes, one full of risk and uncertainty.

The Resilient Mindset

Many other thinkers have already highlighted and studied the connection between resilience and identity.

Psychologist Susan Kobasa believes that there are three elements to resilience, all of which have to do with how resilient people see themselves. The elements are challenge, commitment and personal control.

Resilient people see setbacks as challenges, not failures; they are committed to clear goals in work and life; and they don't dwell on what's outside their control – they focus on the things they can affect, rather than dwelling on what they can't (more on this below). All of which Manson draws on in his book.

Another psychologist who believes resilience is based on the stories we tell ourselves is Martin Seligman. He refers to our "explanatory style" in regard to how we respond to setbacks. Do you blame yourself and get consumed with negativity when things go wrong? If so, then this all has to do with how you're explaining the situation to yourself.

In his book "Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life," Seligman uses the ABC technique to help reframe the situation. It stands for Adversity, Beliefs and Consequences. When you're struck with adversity, you form beliefs, which have consequences.

So, maybe you're 20 minutes late to a meeting you organized: you think to yourself "I'm a terrible employee/boss," so your confidence dives, and your week is ruined as you mull on your failure. Seligman invites us to dispute the beliefs we form – are you really a terrible boss or were you unlucky? Did you just make a simple mistake? It doesn't have to be existential.

Are You in Control?

Manson tells us that life will always suck sometimes; the key is to accept it. Part of the remedy to the law of avoidance is taking responsibility for how we respond to negative things, embracing the associated negative emotions, and doing what we can within our own sphere of influence. The more we take responsibility, the better the outcome.

Psychologist (yes, another one!) Julian B. Rotter described this as our "locus of control." In the 1950s, he wrote that we all sit somewhere on a sliding scale – those of us with an internal locus of control and those with an external locus of control. Do you believe that you're responsible for what happens in your life, or think that your life is more governed by external forces outside of your control?

Rotter claimed that those with a more internal locus of control generally have higher resilience, more job satisfaction, better response to feedback, and even better physical health. On the flip side, if you believe you don't have agency in your life, you're more likely to blame others, give up, and not take credit for what you do achieve.

Manson is big on responsibility. We may not have total control over what happens to us, but we do have complete control of how we respond to setbacks. Instead of chasing happiness all the time (and then getting mad and blaming others when things go wrong), the better path is to take responsibility for how we respond to adversity.

(You can take our Locus of Control Quiz to see where you sit on the scale.)

A Flexible Identity

In a recent newsletter, Manson wrote: "The healthiest identity is a flexible identity. The best answer to the question, 'Who am I?' is always 'I don’t know; let’s find out.'"

It might be scary to answer "I don't know." But I think it's also beautiful. It's inviting us to not box ourselves in, to stay curious, and to challenge our assumptions.

By avoiding discomfort, and negative or scary things, Manson says we're avoiding those parts of ourselves we need to challenge. By adopting a "let's find out!" attitude, we create opportunities for growth and to better understand ourselves and improve our resilience – and live a richer, more fulfilling life.

Useful Resources

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a ****
Mark Manson's YouTube channel
Mark Manson's Twitter

The following is a curated list of Mind Tools relevant resources (please keep in mind you may need to be a member of the Mind Tools Club to access certain resources):

Developing Resilience
Understanding Your Locus of Control
Overwhelmed at Work
Career Setbacks
Dweck's Fixed and Growth Mindsets
Managing Post-Traumatic Growth
Resiliency (audio interview with Dr Cal Crow)
How to Build Personal Resilience (audio interview with Dr John Nicholson)
The Road to Resilience (infographic)

About the Author:

Matthew has 10 years of experience writing, editing and commissioning online content. As a content editor, he's worked in several industries – including charity, culture and travel – before finding his calling in L&D at Mind Tools, where he creates accessible, timely and engaging content for learners.

The post "Who am I? I don't know: let's find out!" – Mark Manson's Law of Avoidance appeared first on Mind Tools.

Food is one of our most basic needs – along with water, sleep, shelter, and oxygen: the things upon which our very survival depends. These requirements form the first, basic level of Abraham Maslow's famous "Hierarchy of Needs."

According to Maslow, our physiological and psychological needs motivate our behavior and choices. Those needs progress from basic needs to more complex ones until we achieve "self-actualization" or "all that we can be."

"What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself"

Abraham Maslow, U.S. psychologist, (1908–1970)

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is often illustrated as a pyramid, with Level 1 at the base, up to Level 5, as follows:

Level 5: self-actualization – the need to experience purpose and meaning, creativity, acceptance, and fulfilling your potential.

Level 4: self-esteem – the need for respect, self-esteem, recognition, achievement, and confidence.

Level 3: love, belonging – the need to feel wanted and that you belong. 

Level 2: safety, security – the need to be safe and secure, and to have shelter.

Level 1: physiology, body – the basic need for oxygen, water, food, rest, warmth, and shade.

But back to me working on an empty stomach... Here’s how it usually transpired. When the belly signals got loud enough and persistent enough, my brain would wander from, for example, creating a course module to a craving for bananas. I don’t even like bananas! But for some reason, they leaped to mind when I was hungry.

I’d gently coax my mind back to my course module and all would go well for a while, but then I’d imagine eating peanut butter. I don’t like peanut butter either, yet my mind was telling me what my body needed because my poor body dialed my number but got a busy signal all the time. 

Then it was a case of rinse and repeat until donut thoughts or fast food came to mind and the gentle coaxing no longer worked. I had to strong-arm myself back to concentrating on my work.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and Physiological Survival

What I noticed in such situations was that the longer I ignored my body’s signals, the more calorie-dense the food in my intrusive thoughts became. My theory is that my body was sending me more urgent signals, trying its best to entice me with calorie-rich food in order to fulfill a biological need. 

The interesting thing is that since those years, I’ve taught myself to do water fasts. (Don’t try it without talking to your doctor.) On day three of a five-day water fast, my hunger is severe, but I can work and concentrate. 

So, what’s the difference between the situations? When I was younger, I felt I had to diet to lose weight to be acceptable. Although it was a choice, it felt like a "forced choice." 

I’ve since got my weight under control and my choice to fast is a healthy one made with free will. When I fast, I know I can stop whenever I want to, because I have food in my fridge. I choose to continue fasting.  

However, if you can’t fulfill a physiological survival need today, and you have no idea how you’re going to fulfill it tomorrow or the day after, I imagine that would take up an immense amount of your mental capacity. 

In the case of hunger, the bottom of the pyramid, your needs are unmet.

Meeting the Need for Rest

All of us have probably experienced a lack of rest. At some point, you can't think of anything other than how tired you are. You can’t concentrate, you don’t want to talk, you don’t want to eat, and you can’t plan for the next five minutes let alone the next five weeks!  

I live in a country where many people experience constant fatigue as a result of their living conditions. They live in noisy areas, the shelter their houses provide is often inadequate, it's unsafe, and they have to travel far to get to work.  

The result is that they’re often unenthusiastic at work, disengaged during training sessions, and uninvolved. Who can blame them, though? Their level-one need is consistently unmet, and they simply have no energy to be upbeat. That doesn’t mean that they lack the desire to progress, but there are more pressing needs.

Migrating Between Levels in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Working with people in any capacity (as peers or team members) always confronts us with this question: are their basic needs (levels one and two) being met? If not, what can we do to support them, and how much can we realistically expect from them? Even when people's needs are met, how can we support them and what can we expect of them?  

This might not be the same from day to day, as confusing as that sounds. It doesn’t mean that I have to do a needs check with everybody every morning.

And I know that I sometimes migrate between need levels depending on what’s happening in my life. An argument with a loved one before you leave for work might impact your level three need. You shouldn‘t assume that you won't be able to operate at level four or even five, but it could have an impact.

That shows us that Maslow’s hierarchy isn't just useful to help us to understand others' behavior, it can also help us evaluate ourselves and better understand our own choices and actions. 

There are cases of people whose level one or two needs are consistently unfulfilled, yet they strive to fulfill their level four and five needs. However, because you’ve met one or two people like that, it doesn’t mean that everybody is like that. They are few and it takes an unusually strong desire, will and an almost superhuman ability to function despite the reality of their lived experience. 

I’m in the fortunate position that I often feel purposeful, and that my life, work and existence have meaning. I feel I am making a difference, even if It's a small one. And it is because my basic needs are being met, as a result of having reconnected with long-lost family, made friends where we live, and through my colleagues at Mind Tools. All the pieces of the puzzle fit snugly together, for now.

For more information on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, see the following articles. You will need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full:

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs 

Self-Mastery 

About the Author

Yolandé uses her 20+ years of experience as a therapist, coach, facilitator, and business school lecturer to help people develop their careers and live up to their potential. She thrives on facilitating conversations designed to build bridges between people by using creative questioning and thinking techniques.

You might mistake her for a city girl, but Yolandé is an honorary game ranger, loves birding, archaeology, and spending time in the African bush. Morning runs with her rottweiler and reading are her favorite activities. She loves the kitchen and it gives her joy to "bake" people happy. 

The post Taking Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs Into Consideration at Work  appeared first on Mind Tools.

That's it, what to say about... Oh wait up, what's this? An email alert from the boss. Can't ignore that. And my phone just pinged me. And before you know it, an hour's gone by and this blog is going nowhere.

It's a problem we've likely all faced. It's difficult to give your attention to just one thing over the course of a working day. When did you last manage it? So many other nudges, notifications and essential updates jostle for your attention.

And that's just the work stuff. Add all the funny noises my phone makes, and a bad day can be a constant battle to concentrate on anything.

A Crisis of Focus

This is a relatively recent phenomenon. But it's getting worse. How much worse? Well, as Johann Hari is keen to explain in his book "Stolen Focus: Why You Can't Pay Attention," the forces determined to attract and keep our attention are everywhere, and they're enormously powerful.

And we aren't doing enough to help ourselves. Sound like something from the "Matrix" movie franchise? It's not. "Stolen Focus" isn't a bunch of conspiracy theories. It’s based on many interviews with leading experts in everything from Big Tech to sleep deprivation.

And the picture they paint is a disturbing one.

The Battle for Attention

First, they really are out to get us. There are whole industries dedicated to grabbing our attention. They offer what we think of as rewards – bonus points, membership privileges, that sort of thing – and in return we give them our data.

Then they use that data to build complex profiles of us so that they can put adverts before us for things they know we want.

If that sounds sinister, consider what else behavioral scientists and data analysts can use that data for. They can predict not just what we might want to buy, but what we think about bigger issues. Even how we might vote. If they can predict something, they will likely try to influence it.

Sure, we can switch off our devices. We can lock them away. If we're lucky, we can escape to remote locations – as Hari does. But we're still susceptible. We're still experiencing something close to addiction.

How We Steal Our Own Focus

Second, we harm our own attention from the moment we get up. All too often we grab high-fat, high-sugar snacks rather than proper food. We expose ourselves to brain-damaging pollution daily.

When we do finally put aside the screens to go to bed, we can't sleep properly. So our brains are exhausted, and our ability to focus takes another knock.

Many of us also live in cultures that value the quick fix. So doctors prescribe vast quantities of drugs to treat ADHD, depression and sleeplessness, while leaving the root causes untouched.

In some cases, these causes are to do with innate psychological problems and brain chemistry. But for many people, maybe most, it's the environment in which they live that's the problem.

The Will to Change – and Why We Often Can't

There's another insidious factor at work, and again it's cultural. Hari calls it "cruel optimism." We all want to believe that we can change. That belief should be empowering.

But it's double-edged. If we fail to give up junk food, Twitter, or playing video games until 3 a.m., it's on us. Our willpower's the problem. Never mind that billions of dollars are spent every year trying to overcome that willpower.

Reclaiming Our Attention

It's a grim picture. So are there any positives? Well, we can take steps to change the way we behave as individuals, cruel optimism or not. Hari outlines them. And we can learn lessons from some societies that have taken steps to address this constant erosion of attention.

But Hari's main targets throughout are larger scale. They're industrial complexes and dysfunctional societies. And they will only change how they behave through collective action. Whether it's because customers or activists demand it, or governments enforce it, it'll still be a long-term battle.

"Stolen Focus" is a wake-up call. It deserves our attention – if we can spare it. Because the consequences of whole societies being in a state of distraction are dire. They certainly go beyond whether this blog gets finished or not.

So I'll definitely be turning off the laptop earlier, and spending more time with a good book. As soon as I've checked Twitter, obviously.

Listen to Our "Stolen Focus" Book Insight

We review the best new business books and the tested classics in our monthly Book Insights, available as text or as 15-minute audio recordings.

So, if you're a Mind Tools Club member or corporate user, listen to the "Stolen Focus" Book Insight now!

If you haven't already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to our 2,400+ resources, including 390+ Book Insights. For corporate licensing, ask for a demo with one of our team.

About the Author

Simon has been researching, writing and editing non-fiction for over 30 years. In that time he's worked on educational courses, scientific journals, and mass-market trade books about everything from popular psychology to buying houses in Bulgaria. In the last 20 years he's specialized in simplifying complex subjects, and helping readers to learn new skills. Away from work he listens to good music, watches bad football, and is fascinated by medieval history.

The post Time to Focus on Our Dangerous Lack of Focus appeared first on Mind Tools.

Sounded easy enough, but it wasn't. After 14 years as a journalist, this was to be my first ever shift at a national newspaper, a job I'd wanted to do for as long as I could remember.

I looked up at the big clock, emblazoned with my new employer's name, and took a deep breath. I stepped into the elevator and pressed "six."

But as it lurched upwards, I couldn't seem to turn off that voice in my head telling me, "You’re not good enough. You'll never match up to these people working here. Just go home and do something else – anything else."

I almost didn't get off when those doors opened. But I did. "This is your chance," I told myself, "You've trained for this, you're good enough, you can do it."

As it turned out, I could, and did, do it for the next 17 years. Yes, it took a while to get to grips with the processes, the IT, the characters, and the culture, but that's the same in any job.

Stepping Out of Your Comfort Zone

I guess it's natural to have a moment of doubt when you take that great leap into the unknown: a feeling new managers know all too well.

"Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right."

Industrialist and inventor, Henry Ford

Aside from learning new skills and procedures, managers need to build a successful team and maintain good relationships with their team members, all while in a new position of greater authority. Not to mention making a good impression on the C-suite.

All these new pressures and responsibilities can be daunting, to say the least, and make any new manager lose faith in themselves.

Three Steps to Believe in Yourself

Fundamentally, what you'll need to succeed in all of the above is a combination of self-confidence, self-esteem and self-efficacy. Let's face it, if you don't believe in yourself, your team and the people around you probably won't either.

So, what are these magic ingredients for successfully overcoming the challenges that a new role can throw at us?

• Self-confidence is trusting your own judgment, capacities and abilities. It's about valuing yourself, regardless of any imperfections, or what others may believe about you.
• Self-efficacy is gained when we see ourselves mastering skills and achieving goals. It encourages us to believe that if we learn and work hard, we'll succeed. It's the type of confidence that means we take on difficult challenges and keep going in the face of setbacks.
• Self-esteem is a more general sense that we can cope with what's going on in our lives, and that we have a right to be happy. It also comes, in part, from the feeling that the people around us approve of us. If we experience persistent criticism or rejection from others, our self-esteem can easily suffer – unless we support it in other ways.

And that's worth doing for a myriad of reasons. According to a 2022 study, high self-esteem "helps individuals adapt to and succeed in a variety of life domains, including having more satisfying relationships, performing better at school and work, enjoying improved mental and physical health, and refraining from antisocial behavior."

Thankfully, there are plenty of strategies you can use to boost your self-confidence, -esteem and -efficacy. Ones that will help you to perform to your potential as a manager, new or otherwise.

Improving Your Self-Esteem

• Think about yourself positively. The only person who can change your view of yourself is you. Learn how to detect and defeat patterns of self-sabotage. Be your own cheerleader!
• Take pride in your accomplishments. When you do something well, celebrate it. Don't wait for someone else to tell you how wonderful you are. Tell yourself!
• Be consistent. It's hard to feel good about yourself when you don't believe in what you're doing. If you find yourself in a difficult situation, do all that you can to make a decision that is consistent with your values.
• Remember that you aren't perfect. Don't be too hard on yourself, or worry about what others think. We all make mistakes, and that's often OK, as long as we learn from them. Focus on the positives and your inner confidence will shine through!
• Look after your physical self. Being active can improve self-esteem. Activities that improve your overall health help you feel more in control, and give you a sense of satisfaction that carries through to other areas of your life.

Three Ways to Build Your Confidence

1. Build confident habits. and break bad ones! Regular exercise and a healthy diet can dramatically improve your physical and mental health. And studies have shown that getting a good night's sleep is linked to increased optimism and self-confidence.  
2. Review past achievements. Your self-confidence will increase when you're able to say, "I can do this, and here's the evidence." A Personal SWOT Analysis, will identify things you're good at, based on your past achievements. You could also list the 10 things that you're most proud of in an "achievement log." Then use them to make positive affirmations about what you can do.
3. Set confidence-boosting goals. The more successful you are, the better you'll feel about yourself. Goal Setting is a great technique for targeting, tracking and recognizing success. It helps you to build competence and a feeling of worthiness.

Top Tips for Underconfident Managers

• Make sure that you understand your main responsibilities and objectives by reviewing, or writing, your job description.
• Try to find a mentor, and commit to learning the key skills you need to work more effectively.
• Set goals for your team, and make sure that you communicate them regularly.
• You can't do everything on your own. Identify tasks that you can delegate to team members.

Looking back, when I stood in that elevator, my biggest barrier was myself. As soon as I got out of my own way, I had a chance. Make sure you give yourself one, too.

Relevant Resources

To learn more about boosting your self-esteem, -efficacy and -confidence, check out our supporting resources:

The Highs and Lows of Self-Esteem
Impostor Syndrome
The Power of Self-Confidence
How Self-Confident Are You?
Confidence Hacks

The post Self-Confidence: You Are What You Think You Are appeared first on Mind Tools.

At the same time, while I'm prone to introversion, I value and celebrate communities. And communities, along with all the other benefits they bring, can be an antidote to isolation.

Recently, I began thinking with focus and intention about the communities to which I belong. There are dozens of project groups I'm a part of at my full-time job. These are communities and thinking about them as such helps me value them more.

I also belong to a variety of communities related to my profession as a volunteer and participant. And I volunteer in my town, and those groups are communities. Finally, I participate in social communities for fun and friendship, including one that started during the first year of the pandemic and still meets online each week.

After this quick community self-audit, I realized I'm not as isolated as I thought, but am I getting the most out of these communities and are they getting the most out of me?

Being aware of the communities I belong to helped me to realize that my participation is enriched when I consider two things:

• What's my goal for being a part of each community?
• How do I uniquely contribute to each community?

The Power of Connection

This informal self-audit also helped me to consider the time and resources I'm spending with each community, along with identifying where gaps may exist. This may lead me to seek other groups that align with my current goals. For example, after a recent screenwriting workshop, a colleague and I discussed starting a lunchtime writers' group.

Would you benefit from a community self-audit? If so, you can start by exploring these five questions:

1. To what types of communities do you belong?
2. How active are you in these groups and what uniquely do you bring to each?
3. How useful are these communities to you and your goals?
4. What communities may you need to exit because they no longer meet your goals, or perhaps are no longer as vibrant as when you joined?
5. Finally, what types of communities would you like to seek, based on your current interests and goals?

I continue to remind my introverted self about the value and power of connection – and one of the best ways to create connections is through community building.

"A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality."

John Lennon

Our "Communities Lost and Found" Twitter Chat

During Friday's #MTtalk Twitter chat, we discussed community building in the workplace and why it is essential. Here are all the questions we asked, and some of the best responses:

Q1. How do you define community?

@CaptRajeshwar A group of like-minded people with a difference in opinion but with same vision, mission and goals.

@Midgie_MT A group of people who have a shared interest and who may support each other to pursue that interest or explore related topics together. Much like this #MTtalk community, that I feel privileged to be part of!

Q2. What makes a vibrant, healthy community?

@ZalaB_MT Many factors help co-create a good community: good leadership and CMGR (community manager) – this is/are the person(s) who know the ins and outs of a community and its members; engaged members that spread the word by WOM and help create more fans and followers.

@Yolande_MT In a vibrant and healthy community, members are mindful of how their actions might impact "the greater good" of the community. A healthy and vibrant community thinks of "us" and not just "me." It's also a place where people like being with one another – whether digital or in real life.

Q3. What types of communities do you currently participate in?

@SoniaH_MT The types of communities I currently participate in discuss business, communication, management, and leadership topics. Some others once included human resources, technology and marketing.

@brent_baggett04 I'm a part of a very big outdoor community, which involves hunting, fishing and the love for nature.

Q4. What value do you receive from the communities you belong to?

@SarahH_MT The main value I cherish is a feeling of belonging, closely followed by a sense of purpose. I also need to feel I add value and receive value, not necessarily in equal measure but it's important.

@Ganesh_Sabari I observe and analyze behavior in relation to age and exposure. This strengthens empathy and foresight in me.

Q5. How have you benefited from digital communities such as #MTtalk?

@CaptRajeshwar I used these chats for my training, motivation talks, management courses, blogs, and everyday life.

@harrisonia Digital communities have helped me realize that I'm not alone in the way I think or interpret certain topics. These communities have helped me become more mindful of my verbal and nonverbal communication, so I don't offend others.

@MikeB_MT During the pandemic, virtual communities were a lifeline for me. They still provide opportunities to collaborate, problem solve and encourage productivity. One digital community I joined during the pandemic and continue with gathers each week to practice our cartooning skills. (I'm not very good, but love it). It's a generous, smart and positive community.

Q6. What are the responsibilities of being a part of a community?

@Yolande_MT Offering your expertise while respecting the expertise of others is an important responsibility. Celebrate with people who did well; be able to just "be" with someone who goes through a tough time.

@brent_baggett04 The responsibilities come with caring and being a helping hand for someone who can use it more than you, showing someone they have somebody when they need it most.

Q7. What communities have you left or lost and why?

@ZalaB_MT It's time to say farewell when the purpose of the community no longer serves you. When the community quietly dies away and becomes stagnant; when you no longer feel connected, respected or have trust in the members of a community. When there's a breach of trust and respect. I left communities that were mere spam, promoting services and/or disseminating disinformation or hurtful content.

@Ganesh_Sabari Communities are strengthened when each participant puts others before oneself. Communities break and dissolve the moment selfish pursuits make their presence. The sole purpose of being in a community is to provide value to the huddle. If at all we find ourselves receiving benefits, it's a gift. Gifts are never sought. Gifts are always a pleasant surprise.

Q8. What are the benefits of community building in the workplace?

@Midgie_MT Benefits include an increased sense of connection amongst the team, increased commitment to the goals and even the creation of some friendships outside of work. The bonds created in that community help increase the effectiveness and efficiency within work.

@SarahH_MT Community building in the workplace is SUPER important. Benefits include creating a sense of belonging, support, human connection, a shared identity, shared purpose, the list goes on! Relatedness is so important to us all on a deep level.

Q9. What are the barriers to community building in the workplace?

@MikeB_MT Time and opportunity. It may take effort to build community in the workplace, but the benefits are many. It's worth the lift.

@Yolande_MT Sometimes, the biggest (and even the only) barrier is simply the lack of initiative. No one puts up their hand to do it and takes responsibility for it.

Q10. What are some tips to foster community building in the workplace?

@SoniaH_MT A tip to foster community building in the workplace is asking questions, listening genuinely to the answers, and showing interest in others.

@Ganesh_Sabari Keep the community objective precise, lucid and communicated. Be diplomatic in pruning negativity. Humans by nature consider finding fault in the existing system as one's merit.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat.

"Communities Lost and Found" Resources

Note that you will need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full.

Making the Most of Employee Resource Groups
Mutual Respect
Professional Networking
Carroll's Pyramid of Corporate Social Responsibility
The Connected Company
The GIVE Model
Mind Tools Newsletter
"How to Overcome Stress" workbook
David Rock's SCARF Model

Coming Up: Global Intergenerational Week

Building community at work helps foster new relationships in unexpected ways. Regardless of age, everyone can learn from someone else.

Next time on #MTtalk, we're going to observe "Global Intergenerational Week" and discuss strategies to build bridges between generations and unify the workplace and community. In our Twitter poll this week, we'd like to know which intergenerational activity most interests you.

The post Communities Lost and Found – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

It'll be fun, they said. In the hours before midnight, uplifting music played and energetic warm-up routines with loud and enthusiastic organizers roused the crowds. Groups of friends met up, drank water, ate high-energy food, packed snacks, and prepared for seven-to-10-hour walks through the streets of London. Despite all this, I can assure you that, for me at least, this experience was not fun.

The good news was that I'd trained. In the months leading up to the event, I'd gradually increased the length of my walks to around 20 miles.

I had comfortable walking shoes that I'd "broken in" so they didn't rub. And I had special socks that hikers use, which are supposed to stop blisters. I was confident that I'd prepared well enough to cope with the physical demands ahead.

But I was to discover that it was the mental demands that were the most challenging of all.

One Step Leads to Another

My diet hadn't been great in the 24 hours before the walk, and I hadn't kept myself hydrated. I'd not rested properly. I'd stayed up late the previous evening, woken up early on the day, and followed a busy schedule before arriving for the walk.

I was also doing the walk alone. Yes, there were thousands of people around me, but I didn't have a walking companion – someone to talk to, to motivate me.

"A bird sitting in a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking because her trust is not in the branch but in her own wings."

― Author Unknown

I had no one to encourage me when I was tired or felt like giving up. No one to be my cheerleader, my coach and keep me motivated. All of these factors set the tone for a very challenging and lonely nine-hour walk, with only my own thoughts to get me through.

By 5 a.m., in cold, deserted London, I was completely exhausted, and my heat blisters were developing blisters of their own! The only thing I had to keep me walking toward my goal, to keep me taking one step after another toward my destination, was being my own coach.

What Does It Mean to Be Your Own Coach?

My Moonwalk experience taught me that, while it can be helpful to have people around you to coach, challenge and cheer you on, the only person who is with you every minute of every day is you.

If you want to consistently be the best version of yourself, even in the face of adversity, and especially when you feel like giving up, be ready to coach yourself.

Good self-coaching leads to self-empowerment, and this can help you make more positive choices and take charge of your life. It can also build your self-confidence because, as you coach yourself, you develop your self-awareness.

You can coach yourself to think about the "big picture." Try asking yourself questions like:

• What am I good at?
• What knowledge, skills or behaviors do I want to improve?
• What matters most to me in work and in life?
• What are my personal and work goals?
• What do I want to achieve personally and professionally?

And you can coach yourself through your day-to-day challenges, by reflecting on:

• How can I best solve this problem?
• What steps do I need to take to achieve this goal?
• How can I use my strengths in this situation?
• What do I need from myself today?
• How can I change my thinking to see things more positively?
• If I want new results, how should I think and behave?

Different Mindsets Create Different Results

Being your own coach means regularly reflecting on actions you take (or don't take), acknowledging what went well, and thinking through what you need to do to be even better in the future.

This could apply to anything from reflecting on your role in the completion of a big project, to how you handled an important conversation with your boss.

I did complete the Moonwalk Marathon, by the way. When I picked up my medal at the finish line at around 9 a.m., it was with a huge sense of achievement – and with the knowledge that mindset is so often the difference between giving up and achieving your goals.

"Whether you think you can, or think you can't – you're right."

– Henry Ford

#MTtalk Roundup: Be Your Own Coach

During Friday's #MTtalk Twitter chat, we discussed how to be your own coach. Here are all the questions we asked, and some of the best responses:

Q1. What does "being your own coach" mean to you?

@BRAVOMedia1 Being my own coach, for me, means providing self-care, spiritual enlightenment, courage, and strength.

@ZalaB_MT It means giving yourself the opportunities to get to know yourself, your strengths and areas of life/work you'd like to improve, change or "upgrade" and actively work on them.

@SaifuRizvi The act of being your own coach begins with positive self-talk! The day you start learning from your mistakes, you will become your own coach!

Q2. What's the difference between being your own coach and positive self-talk?

@Yolande_MT Positive self-talk is about taking care of a minute. Self-coaching is about taking care of a process.

@ThiamMeka2Gogue Positive self-talk is the internal narrative you have about yourself with positive wellbeing impacts. Being your own coach is developing your own ideas and actions in response to the challenges, with the purpose to increase your resilience and reduce your dependency on other people.

Q3. Why/when might you want to be your own coach?

@ColfaxInsurance (Alyx) This is a super helpful skill set in getting to know yourself better and being able to advocate for yourself to yourself and to others.

@Midgie_MT You might be your own coach when you are implementing daily habits or pursuing goals, which you know you can and will achieve.

Q4. How does being your own coach differ from coaching others?

@J_Stephens_CPA Getting past perfectionism with myself is a challenge, despite telling others they don't have to be.

@MarkC_Avgi Many who are their own coach are much tougher on themselves than they might be on others, or we might be easier because we know ourselves. But in assessing how you coach others, you need to learn about the others and get to know what coaching will work for them.

Q5. What skills does it take to be your own coach?

@BRAVOMedia1 Being my own coach takes emotional intelligence, resilience, fortitude, and self-love. No woman/man is an island and we need one another to thrive and grow. This chat is challenging!

@SarahH_MT You need to be open-minded to develop your self-awareness, use self-reflective techniques, be resilient, emotionally intelligent, determined, self-motivated, and have good judgment/decision-making skills.

Q6. What might be some challenges of being your own coach?

@PdJen I think one of the challenges of being your own coach could be knowing the right questions to ask. Of course, figuring things out is all part of the enjoyment of whatever journey you're on!

@ColfaxInsurance (Alyx) It's hard to be your own coach if you have no experience coaching, at least from my experience. I can also see there being an issue with learning to be kind to yourself.

Q7. How can you measure if self-coaching is successful?

@ThiamMeka2Gogue As long as you ask yourself insightful coaching questions that unlock your thinking and support you to identify actions, that will help you make positive life and career progress.

@PdJen I think you have to first understand where you are and why you need to self-coach; set goals and go from there. If several months down the line, you're still doing the same thing, getting the same results etc, then something isn't working.

Q8. When have you coached yourself successfully?

@Yolande_MT I coached myself successfully through a fitness challenge, a seven-day water fast (that, to me, was a major accomplishment) and handling a very difficult adopted Rottweiler. I had to coach me more than I had to train him!

@MarkC_Avgi When coaching myself during difficult situations, it was often a matter of asking myself: "What would ____________ have done in this situation?" That "blank" in the question could have been any number of people in my life, who I valued and respected.

Q9. What have you learned from other coaches that you've applied to yourself?

@SoniaH_MT When it comes to applying what I've learned from other coaches, it's accepting my flaws and triggers, then learning to work through them.

@ZalaB_MT Grateful for my coach/mentor. She taught us coaching is NOT mentoring, therapy or counseling. Coaches don't offer advice or counsel, they guide clients with what they bring to the table. Coaching takes 100 percent of your whole self, so you need to keep your boundaries.

Q10. Can anyone be their own coach? Yes/No? Explain.

@SarahH_MT Anyone CAN be their own coach but that's not to say you have to do it all alone. I do think self-coaching is more natural for some and some find it easier than others. But it IS possible for anyone to be their own coach with the right mindset.

@Midgie_MT Yes, anyone can coach themselves. Yet to do it effectively some basic skills and tools help!

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat.

Coming Up: The Importance of Lifelong Learning

You'll have a hard time coaching yourself if you don't continue learning about yourself and from others. Next time on #MTtalk, we're going to talk about a topic that excites all of us here at Mind Tools: the importance of lifelong learning (thanks for the topic suggestion, @ZalaB_MT). In our Twitter poll this week, we'd like to know why you continue learning.

"Be Your Own Coach" Resources

To help you prepare for the chat, we've compiled a list of resources for you to browse. (Note that you'll need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full.)

• Managing Yourself
• Empower Yourself Video
• Self-Mastery
• Self-Sabotage
• Developing Personal Accountability
• How Self-Motivated Are You?
• Energizing Yourself
• Motivating Yourself
• Understanding Your Locus of Control
• Dweck's Fixed and Growth Mindsets
• Informal Coaching Video
• Coaching Through Change Video

We've also just released a whole batch of new coaching videos on Mind Tools. Our "Get Coaching – Introducing Brand-New Mind Tools Coaching Videos" blog reveals all!

About the Author

Sarah is an experienced and qualified leadership, culture and conflict coach. An author, skilled trainer, facilitator, manager mentor, and workplace mediator, Sarah has over 30 years' experience to draw on. Following a career as an HR leader and consultant, she now loves coaching leaders and teams to improve their results through developing better workplace relationships and creating savvy conversational cultures. Away from work, Sarah can be found in her garden or perhaps writing her next book.

The post Be Your Own Coach – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

Only the other day I was on a busy train, with very few spare seats. One couple had a surprising amount of space, occupying a table for four, with their bags spread around them. I watched as passenger after passenger walked past that table, their eyes flicking away, rather than asking the pair to move their things.

And, this time, I wondered if it had anything to do with the fact that the man had dwarfism. Could this really be why no one sat with them?

Disability in an Ableist World

Some ableism is systemic, like a lack of accessible infrastructure in schools, offices and transportation hubs. It can also be internalized.

We may talk over a neurodivergent colleague, mistaking a pause for the end of her point. Or avoid someone who looks different on a train, as I witnessed.

According to Ladau, this is about our perception of disability and disabled people – sometimes as superhuman, more commonly as subhuman. But we can change that.

Here’s what she told me, in our interview. (You can stream the audio clip below or download a transcript here.)

To explore these ideas, I’d recommend reading Emily Ladau’s book, "Demystifying Disability: What to Know, What to Say, and How to be an Ally." It’s a clear, nonjudgmental guide to helping make the world a more accessible and inclusive place.

The idea of "allyship" is central to this goal, but what does that really mean?

How (Not) to Be a Disability Ally

"We can very easily fall into the trap of looking at it as a title that we give ourselves," Ladau notes. "But… it’s really about taking meaningful action."

In fact, she suggests that we think of the word "ally" as a verb, not a noun, because it’s about doing things, not just talking about it. We should actively educate ourselves, with an open mind, and learn about experiences beyond our own.

Part of that is recognizing that every disabled person is an individual, with a host of different characteristics and support needs. Or, in Ladau’s words, "If you’ve met one disabled person, you’ve met one disabled person."

It's Not About You

If we don’t focus on the individual, we can make all sorts of wrong assumptions that can end up causing problems. We might think we’re being an ally by steering a blind person across a road, or pushing someone’s wheelchair up a slope. But if we’d just asked that person, we might have discovered they didn’t want that. And they may have needed something else. 

So the action allies take must be collaborative, not well-meaning gestures they impose on a person or group. As Ladau points out, doing something for disabled people and working with them are two very different things.  

"In one, you are essentially erasing the very person who you’re claiming to advocate for, whereas when you’re doing things side by side, what you’re doing is you’re amplifying the perspective of the person who you’re trying to be an ally to. And I think it’s essential to recognize that difference."

It’s a mindset shift that can only happen through open conversation. 

Disability Inclusion or Exclusion?

As someone who "navigates the world on wheels," as she puts it, Ladau has had a lifetime of dealing with ableism. I’m still thinking about a particular example from her book – it encapsulates a lot of the issues she’s working to change...

When Ladau was at college, a resident assistant in her dorm was running a disability awareness event. Did this person invite Ladau along to talk with participants about her life on wheels? No. Instead, they asked to borrow Ladau’s wheelchair, so that participants could use it to go around an obstacle course they’d set up in the lounge. 

What was Ladau supposed to do while her expensive mobility equipment – her only means of getting about – was being used like a toy? She declined the request, saddened by this missed opportunity to engage with and educate nondisabled people about her experiences, herself. 

“I remember feeling like less of a person in that moment,” Ladau writes.

Ableism makes people feel like that, as well as causing numerous practical and logistical problems for disabled people as they go about their day-to-day lives. Allies can help change that, person by person, moment by moment. 

Beyond the Infrastructure 

In the workplace, managers can be allies by “creating an environment where people feel safe and welcome to show up as their whole selves at work and to be open about their disability experiences... giving people the space to speak up for what they need to thrive.”

But Ladau concludes, "I want people to understand that allyship is very much a journey and not a destination. 

"You can listen to a podcast episode, you can read an article, you can watch a documentary, you can attend a webinar or have a conversation with a disabled person. But that doesn’t mean that you stop there.  

"My best advice is to keep learning, to keep going, to seek out new resources and new ways to learn and new ways to engage."

The Full Story

You can listen to my full 30-minute interview with Emily Ladau if you're a Mind Tools Club member, or a Mind Tools for Business licensee. You'll hear about her time on iconic children's TV show "Sesame Street" and how being disabled cuts across all other identities. As ever, the audio comes with a full transcript.

If you're not already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club now to gain unlimited access to 2,400+ resources, including our back catalog of 200+ Expert Interviews. Or find out more about Mind Tools for whole organizations, big or small, by contacting our enterprise team.

Meanwhile, catch more excerpts and insights from my guests by searching the Expert Interview blog topic and by signing up to the new Mind Tools Expert Voices podcast.

The post "I'm Not More or Less: I Just Am" – Emily Ladau on Disability appeared first on Mind Tools.

So what is coaching, exactly? And how does it differ from mentoring? Well, we have a video on exactly this topic – but, put simply, coaching is the art of getting people to help themselves. Where a mentor might tell you what to do, a coach will listen, reflect, and ask questions. In this way, they elicit ideas from the coachee – who ultimately finds their own answers.

"Coaching is unlocking a person's potential to maximize their own performance. It is helping them to learn rather than teaching them."

Timothy Gallwey, author and coach.

Coaching Videos

Coaching is a formal pursuit – but, increasingly, coaching skills are being used by managers and leaders to help them develop and look after their people. And an informal, everyday approach to coaching is gaining currency, too.

At Mind Tools, we've noticed that. And in our brand-new batch of videos, we focus on coaching skills – to show you the ropes, and to make coaching part of your everyday approach to management.

What Is Coaching?

The first of our six coaching videos, How to Be a Workplace Coach, introduces the concept of coaching and offers seven rules to get you started. From confidentiality to the types of questions you should ask, this video is a perfect first step into the world of coaching.

There are many potential pitfalls with coaching. Our video Coaching Conversations: Dos and Don'ts helps you to avoid the common traps and have great conversations. Maybe you think it makes sense to have a set checklist of questions. No: that's a don't! It's crucial that a coaching conversation flows naturally: a checklist will create a more stilted, formal atmosphere. Broad or specific, the dos and don'ts in this video apply to any and every coaching conversation.

When to Coach

Coaching doesn't need to be a scheduled, orchestrated, formal event. In fact, coaching often works best "in-the-moment," when people are experiencing work-related challenges. Our video Informal Coaching shows how you can coach over a cup of coffee or in the hallway between meetings. In this video there's also an example scenario, so you can see what informal coaching looks like in action!

Coaching is also a great way to lead people through organizational changes. If you're a leader, it's your responsibility to guide people through change to reach the new status quo. Change can be tough. But, with coaching, you can make the process smoother and, ultimately, more successful. Our new video Coaching Through Change shows you how it's done. And that one features a scenario, too! You can see the principles put into practice in a difficult management situation.

Coaching Tools

As a manager, you have plenty of opportunities to employ coaching methods and tools as part of nurturing your team.

The POSITIVE Model of Coaching is a great way to set and monitor team goals. It uses an eight-step framework that encourages coachees to adopt energizing, exciting goals – and shows how you, the coach, can do your bit to encourage them.

People you coach will be at different levels of ability and determination. Someone with low skill and high enthusiasm will need a different approach from that of someone who's highly skilled but lacks direction. The Skill/Will Matrix Video helps you to decide how to pitch your input with your coachee depending on their skill and will. It's a brilliant and simple tool for fine-tuning your approach to coaching.

The post Get Coaching – Introducing Brand-New Mind Tools Coaching Videos appeared first on Mind Tools.

We've become accustomed to digital assistants that recognize our voice to conjure up information on demand. And we're as comfortable to use fingerprint scanners to unlock our phones as to accept facial recognition technology to cross a border or to catch a criminal.

The pace of technological change is fast and phenomenal. But how afraid should we be that it will run away with us, creating a world where our identities are swallowed up and reshaped for profit and control?

This is a question for a futurist – someone like Tracey Follows (pictured above), the author of a new book titled "The Future of You: Can Your Identity Survive 21st-Century Technology?"

When I spoke to her for the latest Mind Tools Expert Interview, she stressed the importance of engaging with the march of technological progress, rather than ignoring or resisting it. Each of us, she says, has to "operate as a digital persona" to function in today's world, whether we like it or not.

Below is an audio clip from our conversation. You can download a transcript here.

As Follows emphasizes, "if our identity is being digitized, then we want to be in control of it."

Technology: Possible, Probable or Preferable?

According to Follows, members of the "futuring community" can be divided into those who think you can predict the future, and those who think you can't, but you can do some useful preparation for what might come. She's the second kind.

"Obviously, anything societal or cultural is a lot more difficult to predict, and so that's really more about preparing," she explains. "So you're preparing for different possible outcomes or different possible futures, as we would call them, not just the probable future."

In her book, she brings together research and insight about several aspects of our identities in the 21st century, in chapters that indicate their focus. There's "Knowing You," about data collection; "Watching You," about digital surveillance; "Creating You," about our online personas; and "Connecting You," about communication. The others are "Replacing You," "Enhancing You," and "Destroying You."

This builds a mostly dystopian vision of the future, where governments and companies can influence who you are and what you do. I asked Follows if people can opt out of this by simply not using technology. After all, not everyone has an online life. Her answer? It's not that simple.

"It doesn't really matter how much or how little you're using technology. Society is using technology and the state certainly is using technology. And that obviously has ramifications for not only who you are, but how you are treated and how you are assumed to be someone you are," she says.

Creating "You" Through Technology

So what can we control? Our social media personas, for one. We can curate a digital image of ourselves that is close to the reality, or very far from it. Or something in between – a better version of ourselves, if you will. And while this may be fun, it can also have a fascinating impact on our day-to-day lives, back on Planet Earth.

Follows explores this in the chapter "Creating You," in a discussion about avatars. This stood out for me, with its logical and tantalizing upside.

She cites research by Jeremy Bailenson at Stanford University, looking at how people represented by avatars behave in virtual environments.

"What he found was that their own behavior was very much affected by the avatar they thought they were. So how they thought they showed up affected their own behavior," she reports.

"If they thought they were a really tall person in a virtual reality space, they might be much more confident. He found that they were, I think, better negotiators, because they felt like they were more imposing when they were taller. And if they felt like they were very small avatars, they acted differently. Likewise, if they were more 'attractive,' they would be much more confident."

Follows encountered a similar effect among people in Tokyo who spent a lot of time on live social media feeds. The avatars they chose allowed them to be "discovered" – and in more ways than one.

"Sometimes when they are themselves on some of these social platforms, they are less confident," she says. "And if they can take on an avatar suddenly, they're able to turn up in these environments and sing their heart out or play the piano, and they've found these amazing talents."

Tech to Hide Behind or to Shine Through

An avatar can be a mask that hides a person's identity, but it can also enable people to adopt a new identity, with the power to draw out new strengths. It's an intriguing idea, particularly since we increasingly communicate online.

"Who we turn up as, who we represent ourselves as, how we profile ourselves, is obviously having a really fundamental and quite profound effect on our communication and our interaction in lots and lots of different ways," Follows reflects.

Granted, there are moral dilemmas and even mental health risks if "we build ourselves a wardrobe of avatars" for different situations, or to deal with different people in different ways. But on the positive side, unlike some of the other scenarios presented in Follows' book, this is one technological advance that we can manage – and benefit from – ourselves.

Transhumanism and Transparent Government

Mind Tools Club members and Mind Tools for Business licensees can listen to my full 30-minute interview with Tracey Follows. In it, she also touches on the use (and abuse) of technology for democracy, physical and mental augmentation, creativity, and more. It comes with a complete transcript.

If you're not already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club now to gain unlimited access to 2,400+ resources, including our back catalog of 200+ audio Expert Interviews. And to find out more about Mind Tools' enterprise solutions, you can book a demo with one of our team.

Meanwhile, you can read more from me, Rachel Salaman, by searching the Expert Interview blog topic.

The post Avatars, AI and Authentication, with Tracey Follows appeared first on Mind Tools.

I was sure the rainbow trees were real and begged my mother to take me back to see them. She didn't know what I was talking about, but she complied. We walked and walked but never reached the rainbow trees. I persisted in believing they were there, just out of reach, and longing to visit that place someday.

Susan Cain's "Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole," describes my childhood feeling as a longing for transcendence. Cain is best known as the bestselling author of a book on introversion called, "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking."

"Bittersweet" takes a similarly reflective subject to "Quiet" and focuses on feelings of sorrow and longing, and how these can be constructive and healing – even in cultures where they are undervalued.

Even Sadness Has Its Upsides

Imagine how unusual it would be to find a quiz on Buzzfeed asking, "How Bittersweet Are You?" Cain provides just such a quiz in her book.

I grew out of my belief in the rainbow trees and into a kid who read and read. And then into a teenager and adult who wrote and wrote: melancholy poetry, gloomy songs, and stories and plays about death. So, it shocked me not one bit when I scored highly on Cain's bittersweetness quiz.

It looks fluffy when you take it, but exploratory research has found correlations between bittersweetness and creativity and spirituality. And on the downside, anxiety and depression.

But there are lots of warnings about the dangers of too much bittersweetness, so it was nice to encounter a book exploring its good side.

Bittersweetness connects us to others, says Cain. It helps us to transcend ourselves. It's part of being human, stemming from our awareness that life is finite. If we squash down those feelings, we're missing out on their benefits.

Crying With Laughter

With the rise of TikTok, I've watched the publishing world begin to value and capitalize on bittersweetness. In 2021, the New York Times ran an article titled, "How Crying on TikTok Sells Books."

It's true: tear-jerking titles and readers' earnest responses have resulted in a lot of book sales. BookTok has shown that people value this emotional connection and state of mind. (And we probably didn't need video media to tell us this; Taylor Swift's popular break-up songs are another example.) Susan Cain's book goes a long way toward explaining why.

As I watch my play about mortality go into rehearsals and prepare for the e-book launch of my novel about failure, it's comforting to know that someone finds value in the way I see the world. Especially as someone trying my best to make art and hoping it connects with people.

Finding Comfort in Sadness

Not all of my writing is bittersweet, but I think Cain has identified my personal brand. It's reassuring to think that I might be doing something useful.

I recently recommended "Bittersweet" to someone I met socially. The result was interesting. At first, her face scrunched up, "A book about sadness?" As I gave more detail, her expression illuminated, "Oh, that makes sense. It's like when you break up with someone and listen to sad music."

In the end, we agreed: yes, sadness has value to offer us. And maybe she'll go on to read the book, or maybe she won't. Either way, talking about it offered a moment of connection.

Download our "Bittersweet" Book Insight

We review the best new business books and the tested classics in our monthly Book Insights, available as text or as 15-minute audio downloads.

So, if you're a Mind Tools Club member or corporate user, download or stream the "Bittersweet" Book Insight now!

If you haven't already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to our 2,400+ resources, including 390+ Book Insights. For corporate licensing, ask for a demo with one of our team.

How does sadness affect you? How do you deal with it? Let us know in the comments, below.

The post Why Did a Book About Sadness Make Me So Happy? appeared first on Mind Tools.