"We will avoid something in proportion to how much it can affect our identity."

The Law of Avoidance

So says Mark Manson, best-selling author of "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a ****." It's an anti-self-help self-help book that's sold millions of copies, earning Manson legions of adoring fans and a new movie on Netflix.

In the book, Manson tells you that you are not special, chasing a positive mindset is dangerous, and that we should embrace negative emotions and take responsibility for our actions and feelings. These ideas may go against the grain of current trends in self-improvement, but Manson has found a very receptive audience.

The book provides a powerful lesson in resilience, but what does it have to do with identity, exactly?

Manson's Law of Avoidance

Manson describes the above quote as his "Law of Avoidance." Essentially, the idea is that we'll avoid something equal to how it can affect our identity; we are so wedded to our sense of self that we won't step outside that comfort zone.

And it kind of rings true, doesn't it? When I'm faced with anything involving numbers (like dividing up a restaurant check), I freeze up. I work with words; I can't do numbers! I'm likely to say, "Numbers aren't my strong suit – someone else figure it out!" On the more extreme end, I'm unlikely to go skydiving. That's just not me. I don't do that kind of thing.

And Manson's law doesn't just apply to bad, scary or unpleasant things. "You will avoid negative things that threaten your identity like failure, loss, and rejection. But you will also avoid positive things that threaten your identity – even things like success, love, and happiness," says Manson.

I initially struggled to reconcile this idea. Why on earth would we avoid something we enjoy? But then it struck me that it applies to something I'm going through right now.

Avoiding Good Things

I love music. And recently I was invited to go to a festival. The problem was that of the large group of friends going, I only knew one person. The rest of them I'd never even met. So when I was proposed this idea, my instant reaction was, "No way!"

My internal monologue was yelling that I'm a shy introvert. Big groups feel intimidating. What if I don't fit in? What if I feel trapped and like I'm ruining other people's time? I'd much rather stay at home and not go through the hassle.

Fortunately, my inner Mark Manson kicked in and I agreed to go and secured a ticket.

Now, when I really think about it, I know I'm going to have a great time. I love seeing live music, I like meeting people (even if it can be tiring), and I'm excited. And Manson would also remind me that I'm not special – no one else will really care much about me!

How I conceive of my identity (introvert, don't like going out of my comfort zone) can stop me from doing things I enjoy. Manson says, "The more something scares you, the more you should just do it." Instead of being boxed in by your identity, take a step out of your comfort zone and dive in. Let's hope he's right. I'm going this week.

Resilience and Identity

The more I think about it, the more resilience and identity seem to live hand in hand.

Consider the idea of "impostor syndrome," which has struck a chord in recent years. That sense that you've overreached, that you don't deserve to be where you are, and the fear that you'll be "found out." Ironically, this often afflicts the most objectively competent people: it has nothing to do with real ability, just how we see ourselves.

Similarly, fear of failure and fear of success also plague workers worldwide. You might be so afraid of "failing" that you don't ever take a risk or try something new. Or you might be anxious about the increased responsibility of success and feel like you'll never be able to live up to expectations.

When something threatens our identity we avoid it. And so when we're forced into that situation we don't know how to respond. With his law of avoidance, Manson implores us to embrace discomfort, stop chasing external validation, and chose a path based on our own values and wishes, one full of risk and uncertainty.

The Resilient Mindset

Many other thinkers have already highlighted and studied the connection between resilience and identity.

Psychologist Susan Kobasa believes that there are three elements to resilience, all of which have to do with how resilient people see themselves. The elements are challenge, commitment and personal control.

Resilient people see setbacks as challenges, not failures; they are committed to clear goals in work and life; and they don't dwell on what's outside their control – they focus on the things they can affect, rather than dwelling on what they can't (more on this below). All of which Manson draws on in his book.

Another psychologist who believes resilience is based on the stories we tell ourselves is Martin Seligman. He refers to our "explanatory style" in regard to how we respond to setbacks. Do you blame yourself and get consumed with negativity when things go wrong? If so, then this all has to do with how you're explaining the situation to yourself.

In his book "Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life," Seligman uses the ABC technique to help reframe the situation. It stands for Adversity, Beliefs and Consequences. When you're struck with adversity, you form beliefs, which have consequences.

So, maybe you're 20 minutes late to a meeting you organized: you think to yourself "I'm a terrible employee/boss," so your confidence dives, and your week is ruined as you mull on your failure. Seligman invites us to dispute the beliefs we form – are you really a terrible boss or were you unlucky? Did you just make a simple mistake? It doesn't have to be existential.

Are You in Control?

Manson tells us that life will always suck sometimes; the key is to accept it. Part of the remedy to the law of avoidance is taking responsibility for how we respond to negative things, embracing the associated negative emotions, and doing what we can within our own sphere of influence. The more we take responsibility, the better the outcome.

Psychologist (yes, another one!) Julian B. Rotter described this as our "locus of control." In the 1950s, he wrote that we all sit somewhere on a sliding scale – those of us with an internal locus of control and those with an external locus of control. Do you believe that you're responsible for what happens in your life, or think that your life is more governed by external forces outside of your control?

Rotter claimed that those with a more internal locus of control generally have higher resilience, more job satisfaction, better response to feedback, and even better physical health. On the flip side, if you believe you don't have agency in your life, you're more likely to blame others, give up, and not take credit for what you do achieve.

Manson is big on responsibility. We may not have total control over what happens to us, but we do have complete control of how we respond to setbacks. Instead of chasing happiness all the time (and then getting mad and blaming others when things go wrong), the better path is to take responsibility for how we respond to adversity.

(You can take our Locus of Control Quiz to see where you sit on the scale.)

A Flexible Identity

In a recent newsletter, Manson wrote: "The healthiest identity is a flexible identity. The best answer to the question, 'Who am I?' is always 'I don’t know; let’s find out.'"

It might be scary to answer "I don't know." But I think it's also beautiful. It's inviting us to not box ourselves in, to stay curious, and to challenge our assumptions.

By avoiding discomfort, and negative or scary things, Manson says we're avoiding those parts of ourselves we need to challenge. By adopting a "let's find out!" attitude, we create opportunities for growth and to better understand ourselves and improve our resilience – and live a richer, more fulfilling life.

Useful Resources

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a ****
Mark Manson's YouTube channel
Mark Manson's Twitter

The following is a curated list of Mind Tools relevant resources (please keep in mind you may need to be a member of the Mind Tools Club to access certain resources):

Developing Resilience
Understanding Your Locus of Control
Overwhelmed at Work
Career Setbacks
Dweck's Fixed and Growth Mindsets
Managing Post-Traumatic Growth
Resiliency (audio interview with Dr Cal Crow)
How to Build Personal Resilience (audio interview with Dr John Nicholson)
The Road to Resilience (infographic)

About the Author:

Matthew has 10 years of experience writing, editing and commissioning online content. As a content editor, he's worked in several industries – including charity, culture and travel – before finding his calling in L&D at Mind Tools, where he creates accessible, timely and engaging content for learners.

The post "Who am I? I don't know: let's find out!" – Mark Manson's Law of Avoidance appeared first on Mind Tools.

They communicated in French, the dominant language at our dinner table. This allowed me to learn a third language. While I spoke Italian to my father and Greek to my mother, I spoke French to myself and majored in French at university.

Speaking a second language raises our cultural awareness, and helps broaden our horizons beyond the confines of our native language. The second language is akin to giving us a second identity, an identity as a multicultural individual with numerous personal and professional advantages. Perhaps this is what Holy Roman emperor Charlemagne meant when he said, "To have another language is to possess a second soul."

What Does It Mean to Be a Multicultural Individual? 

But being multicultural can cause identity issues and confusion about who we are. Does being multicultural mean coming from an immigrant family (like Arab-Americans, British Indians, or Chinese Canadians?) Or, do we acquire a multicultural identity from learning to speak more than one language, or from living or working abroad?

One of the best definitions of a multicultural individual comes from a recent Harvard Business Review article, "What Makes You Multicultural." Based on the authors' research, they define multiculturalism within individuals as "the degree to which they know, identify with, and internalize more than one culture."

So, being multicultural is about more than just attending a language course. Being multicultural involves taking an interest in another culture's way of thinking and behaving, so that you understand it almost as well as your own culture. 

Code-Switching

But being multicultural is slightly different for everyone. I don't switch cultural codes by changing my behavior or tone with different groups. But others will embody different cultures depending on who they're with. This is the art of "code-switching."

Traditionally it was defined as seamlessly switching between two or more languages during a single conversation. Today, it's taken on a broader meaning. It often refers to marginalized or underrepresented individuals adapting to the dominant environment around them.

According to racial research in Harvard Business Review, code-switching describes "adjustments in one's style of speech, appearance, behavior, and expression in ways that will optimize the comfort of others in exchange for fair treatment, quality service, and employment opportunities." 

Katrina Bath, a researcher for Emerald Publishing, is British by nationality and Indian by blood and ethnicity. When asked if she code-switches, Katrina replied, "Yes definitely, I really notice the code-switch with my friends and cousins.

"When I'm with my South Asian friends, I notice I become "more Asian" in the way I speak. I mix some Punjabi words into my sentences, and there's a lot more banter. When I'm around my white friends, I'm freer in the topics we discuss as I'm OK with discussing "taboo" and more diverse topics with them." 

What Are the Workplace Benefits of Being Multicultural?

Whether you code-switch or not, there are numerous benefits to being multicultural. Here are just three of the many advantages of multiculturalism in the workplace:

Enhanced Creativity and New Perspectives

Creative people are open to exploring alternatives to how things are done. They can view people, situations and objects from various viewpoints. According to research published in American Psychologist, one way to develop your ability to foster creativity is to immerse yourself in a multicultural experience.

The study shows that people who have spent time assimilating more than one culture are better able to generate creative ideas in the study lab and corporate settings.

Improved Ability to Lead Multicultural Teams

In an increasingly global world, and thanks to technological advancements, geographical boundaries have essentially vanished. These transparent barriers have made more people open to relocating for work. Companies worldwide are hiring foreign workers, leading to an ever-increasing multicultural workforce.

Developing multicultural competence to lead across cultures is vital for leadership success. Recent research published in Organization Science shows that multicultural experiences can improve a leader's communication and leadership skills when managing multinational teams.

Leaders more exposed to diverse cultures are more sensitive to cultural variations. They are, therefore, better able to convey an idea in a framework their followers are more likely to understand and value.

Better Customer Service

Depending on the type and size of the company you work for, chances are you need to serve an international clientele. A central premise of customer service is to put customers at ease, which can be challenging given the various cultures and backgrounds involved.

Multicultural people are generally more accepting and sensitive to other cultures. A multicultural workforce can enhance a company's ability to communicate with customers of different cultures. Ultimately, this means they can provide better customer service to all clients.

For example, in my hometown, North Vancouver, there's a high proportion of Chinese and Persian citizens. It's a known fact that people typically tend to have a greater level of comfort and rapport with those of their own culture. I see many businesses recruit Chinese and native Persian speakers. These employees help companies deal with customers in their native language. 

What I Learned From Being a Multicultural Individual 

Being a multicultural individual has helped me to understand and connect more deeply with people from different parts of the world. Best of all, it's helped me to cultivate cultural empathy, adaptability and patience.

Here's a quick example:

A Middle Eastern man served me once when I visited a phone outlet. He was thorough and competent in responding to my questions about fixing my problem. But I walked away from the encounter feeling uncomfortable and slightly unsettled because he avoided eye contact for 20 minutes. He looked sideways at the desk and behind me. Never once did he look at me while talking to me.

Later, when I recounted the incident to my husband, it reminded me of an essential cultural truth of some Middle Eastern countries that I had forgotten.

I spent most of my early years in the Middle East and studied Arabic in school. Here's one cultural insight I should have remembered – males and females of that region are taught to lower their gaze and avoid sustained eye contact with each other. This practice is a sign of propriety, which can be misinterpreted as rude by anyone unfamiliar with the culture. 

My multiculturalism has given me an appreciation for different cultures. It's helped me to realize that something as simple as eye contact can be a potential source of misunderstanding. 

After decades of living in Canada, I think like a North American while remaining Italian at heart. In multinational groups, when I speak to someone in their native language, I feel an additional sense of belonging, a sense of kinship that accelerates rapport. Sharing a communal language is the shortest bridge between two people.

About the Author:

Bruna is an educator, author and speaker specializing in emotional intelligence, leadership, communication, and presentation-skills training.

The post The Benefits of Being Multicultural appeared first on Mind Tools.

We've become accustomed to digital assistants that recognize our voice to conjure up information on demand. And we're as comfortable to use fingerprint scanners to unlock our phones as to accept facial recognition technology to cross a border or to catch a criminal.

The pace of technological change is fast and phenomenal. But how afraid should we be that it will run away with us, creating a world where our identities are swallowed up and reshaped for profit and control?

This is a question for a futurist – someone like Tracey Follows (pictured above), the author of a new book titled "The Future of You: Can Your Identity Survive 21st-Century Technology?"

When I spoke to her for the latest Mind Tools Expert Interview, she stressed the importance of engaging with the march of technological progress, rather than ignoring or resisting it. Each of us, she says, has to "operate as a digital persona" to function in today's world, whether we like it or not.

Below is an audio clip from our conversation. You can download a transcript here.

As Follows emphasizes, "if our identity is being digitized, then we want to be in control of it."

Technology: Possible, Probable or Preferable?

According to Follows, members of the "futuring community" can be divided into those who think you can predict the future, and those who think you can't, but you can do some useful preparation for what might come. She's the second kind.

"Obviously, anything societal or cultural is a lot more difficult to predict, and so that's really more about preparing," she explains. "So you're preparing for different possible outcomes or different possible futures, as we would call them, not just the probable future."

In her book, she brings together research and insight about several aspects of our identities in the 21st century, in chapters that indicate their focus. There's "Knowing You," about data collection; "Watching You," about digital surveillance; "Creating You," about our online personas; and "Connecting You," about communication. The others are "Replacing You," "Enhancing You," and "Destroying You."

This builds a mostly dystopian vision of the future, where governments and companies can influence who you are and what you do. I asked Follows if people can opt out of this by simply not using technology. After all, not everyone has an online life. Her answer? It's not that simple.

"It doesn't really matter how much or how little you're using technology. Society is using technology and the state certainly is using technology. And that obviously has ramifications for not only who you are, but how you are treated and how you are assumed to be someone you are," she says.

Creating "You" Through Technology

So what can we control? Our social media personas, for one. We can curate a digital image of ourselves that is close to the reality, or very far from it. Or something in between – a better version of ourselves, if you will. And while this may be fun, it can also have a fascinating impact on our day-to-day lives, back on Planet Earth.

Follows explores this in the chapter "Creating You," in a discussion about avatars. This stood out for me, with its logical and tantalizing upside.

She cites research by Jeremy Bailenson at Stanford University, looking at how people represented by avatars behave in virtual environments.

"What he found was that their own behavior was very much affected by the avatar they thought they were. So how they thought they showed up affected their own behavior," she reports.

"If they thought they were a really tall person in a virtual reality space, they might be much more confident. He found that they were, I think, better negotiators, because they felt like they were more imposing when they were taller. And if they felt like they were very small avatars, they acted differently. Likewise, if they were more 'attractive,' they would be much more confident."

Follows encountered a similar effect among people in Tokyo who spent a lot of time on live social media feeds. The avatars they chose allowed them to be "discovered" – and in more ways than one.

"Sometimes when they are themselves on some of these social platforms, they are less confident," she says. "And if they can take on an avatar suddenly, they're able to turn up in these environments and sing their heart out or play the piano, and they've found these amazing talents."

Tech to Hide Behind or to Shine Through

An avatar can be a mask that hides a person's identity, but it can also enable people to adopt a new identity, with the power to draw out new strengths. It's an intriguing idea, particularly since we increasingly communicate online.

"Who we turn up as, who we represent ourselves as, how we profile ourselves, is obviously having a really fundamental and quite profound effect on our communication and our interaction in lots and lots of different ways," Follows reflects.

Granted, there are moral dilemmas and even mental health risks if "we build ourselves a wardrobe of avatars" for different situations, or to deal with different people in different ways. But on the positive side, unlike some of the other scenarios presented in Follows' book, this is one technological advance that we can manage – and benefit from – ourselves.

Transhumanism and Transparent Government

Mind Tools Club members and Mind Tools for Business licensees can listen to my full 30-minute interview with Tracey Follows. In it, she also touches on the use (and abuse) of technology for democracy, physical and mental augmentation, creativity, and more. It comes with a complete transcript.

If you're not already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club now to gain unlimited access to 2,400+ resources, including our back catalog of 200+ audio Expert Interviews. And to find out more about Mind Tools' enterprise solutions, you can book a demo with one of our team.

Meanwhile, you can read more from me, Rachel Salaman, by searching the Expert Interview blog topic.

The post Avatars, AI and Authentication, with Tracey Follows appeared first on Mind Tools.

It might be easier if I start with me. Who am I? I am Yolandé Conradie. There you have it. And there isn't much to it. Or is there?

Words of Self-Declaration

I am Yolande. I am Yolande Meiring (maiden name), but I am also Yolande Conradie (married name) and I was also Yolande van Heerden at one time (previous marriage).

Each of these declarations of identity contains different images, has different connotations and denotes a different stage of my life. Yet they're all me, all part of me and they all announce part of my identity.

I am a white, South African, Afrikaner woman. This might sound simple, but it isn't. Obviously, if I am South African, white and was born and raised on the African continent, it means that I am of colonial ancestry, and mine is mostly German and Dutch. I grew up in the apartheid era and, as an Afrikaner, in a deeply patriarchal culture with strong religious beliefs.

My words of identity tell full and rich stories, all playing out against a backdrop of family, culture, tradition, rites, rituals, power, authority, and taken for granted beliefs and ideas.

Words of Belief

In the delicious and painful process of becoming an adult, we cultivate beliefs about ourselves. We are also given the baggage, or the gift, of what others believe about us.

My mother will say I am her youngest child. To tell you the truth (and I cringe to say it), she still refers to me as her "baby." My sister, senior to me by almost six years, will tell you I am a brat! I have to confess: it is true that, as a cheeky pigtailed 10-year old, I did refuse to leave the lounge when her boyfriend visited. I stuck to that sofa like I was glued to it. They had to offer me a generous bribe to buy my departure! 

My grade one teacher used to call me a "ray of sunshine." My neighbor will tell you I am the person who phones him if I hear or see something out of the ordinary at his house. Some of my students will tell you that I'm strict and my boundaries are clear. Others will add that I'm like a mother to them -- fair, always willing to help and listen -- but I take no nonsense. And my "gift children" (I don't like the word "stepchildren") will agree.

I am a rebel. I often question beliefs and ideas that others take for granted. I have challenged patriarchal and religious authority since I was very young -- it didn't win me any prizes for popularity -- and once I was even described as "a disgrace to my parents" (thankfully, not by my parents).

Once, after I'd not done very well in a test, one of the exasperated adults in my life said, "You'll never amount to anything! You'll end up selling sugar one day!" To this day I don't know why selling sugar is so bad! Don't we all crave the stuff? Sounds like good business to me! However, I understood what they meant, and it hurt. It meant that one day I might not be good enough.

When, in my late twenties, I read this quote by U.S. politician and speaker Les Brown, I had an "A-ha!" moment: "Don't let someone else's opinion of you become your reality."

I realized that I didn't have to accept others' beliefs about me as my truth -- I could cultivate and speak my own words of belief.

So, who am I?

• I am friendly and helpful.
• I am strict and loving.
• I am a rebel (and OK with that).
• I choose not to believe that I am a disgrace to my parents.
• And to the person who told me I will sell sugar one day, I say I am good enough.

Words of Creation

Words have power, and our words define our worlds. There are many layers, meanings, subtexts, and implied ideas in the words we say, especially in what we say about ourselves.

How can the words "I am" be words of creation? If our words have power, it means we have a responsibility to be mindful of our words. We must think of the selves we are creating.

Here are some examples of "I am" as words of creation:

"I am a truth-teller." This person will create a space to speak the truth and will also speak truth to power.

"I am a bridge-builder." A bridge-builder will endeavor to create understanding between people, rather than spread misunderstanding, discrimination and prejudice.

"I am a difference-maker." The person who sets out to make a difference will find ways to improve circumstances, to educate, and to bring about positive change.

Unfortunately, the opposite is also true. The person who proudly proclaims "I am a hell raiser" will do exactly that, and create space for discord. There are many such examples, but I choose not to focus on them because we want to use our words to make a positive difference. I am... a person who creates safe spaces.

I Am... Words of Self-Declaration

In our #MTtalk Twitter chat on Friday, we discussed how we declare ourselves to others. Here are all the questions we asked, and some of the best responses:

Q1. Which words usually follow when you say "I am... " to identify yourself to other people?

@MikeB_MT These past 20 months have taught me the value of acknowledging to myself and others that "I am present... " "I am here... " It's a great place for me to start.

@SoniaH_MT When identifying myself to others in writing or via phone, I usually say, "This is Sonia" or "My name is Sonia," w/ or w/o my last name, depending on the type of communication and environment. 

Q2. How complete a picture of you are these "I am" statements? What's missing and does this matter?

@ColfaxInsurance I've got a pretty complete picture of myself. There are a couple things that I would like to add to the "I am" statements, but we'll get there with time.

@WonderPix Sometimes we don't give full I am info to others, but it's important to be aware of it for ourselves. Saying, "I am... xyz" can help us be in the moment.

Q3. "I am... " is about belief as much as stating facts. What belief(s) about yourself do you reveal with "I am... "?

@SarahH_MT Our words of self-declaration become our reality. They can hold us back, they can reinforce or reject the words of others. They can affect our self-belief, self-confidence and self-actualisation. And they can deceive us if they aren't accurate!

@JKatzaman "I am" reveals that I'm not comfortable saying that. It's more like writing your own evaluation. It's just not that conversational.

Q4. How does your current way of completing the statement, "I am..." differ from your words five years ago?

@J_Stephens_CPA Five years ago, I learned to answer the question "How are you?" with "I am blessed," from @FrLarryRichards. It changes your outlook to remember that. I didn't always appreciate how blessed I was 10 years ago.

@Midgie_MT They are more positive, kind and accepting of what is, as compared to five years ago. They are gentler, more loving, towards myself.

Q5. Which labels that you use for yourself are out of date, and what could you say instead?

@DrKashmirM Out of date: "I am a doctor," "I know better," or "it is your fault." Now I say instead: "Although I am a doctor, I will need your help, your opinion is precious."

@Yolande_MT Any "I am" that will encourage me to do things I'll regret later needs a second think. Morgan Freeman said, "Don't allow your emotions to overpower your intelligence." That!

Q6. Give examples of negative words of self-declaration that could you shift into positive ones. 

@Yolande_MT "I am completely overwhelmed." Change to, "I am feeling overwhelmed, but I am going to write a list, prioritize, delegate And it will help me feel that I am in control."

@MindfulLifeWork "I am tired" morphs nicely into "I am worthy of rest."

Q7. Is it possible to use new "I am" declarations to change your mindset, or even your identity? Explain.

@SarahH_MT A work in progress for me is not so much how I talk to myself, but my self-declarations to others. If I hear myself describing who I am with clarity, confidence and credibility, it helps my mindset become all of those things.

@SoniaH_MT Yes, I can use these new "I am" declarations to change my mindset/ identity. I’ve followed people on social media who've shared their mantras, although I've never created one for myself.

Q8. What might be the reaction of other people to your new assertions about yourself? Does it matter? 

@ColfaxInsurance There could be surprise or immediate acceptance or push back against it. But it doesn't matter, as long as you're happy with who you are.

@MindfulLifeWork Most people prefer consistency to real growth, which involves change. When we attempt to really grow, those that love us will inadvertently try to limit our growth. It's not their fault, but it is our responsibility to continually realign ourselves with our truth.

Q9. How could you help someone else to shift their negative self-declarations?

@TheTomGReid I have asked people if that is what they want me to think of them, since they said it. I then assure them I do not think of them that way, and proceed (often without invitation) to give them a candid, and positive perspective. I'm outspoken like that sometimes.

@Midgie_MT I use the 4 questions by @ByronKatie: Is it true? Can you absolutely know that it is true? How do you react, what happens, when you believe it is true? and Who would you be without that thought?

Q10. What steps will you take to turn your "I am..." statements, old or new, into actions? 

@MikeB_MT By being specific about my statements, linking them to actions and goals. Nurturing them. And regularly checking in on my "I am..." to hold myself accountable to "How am I doing?"

@JKatzaman Knowing what I am good at and what makes me me helps put aside the negative rubbish that other people with more time on their hands can sort through if that's what makes them happy. 

Thank you to everyone who contributed to, or attended and enjoyed the chat! To read all the tweets, see the Wakelet collection of this chat, here. 

Coming Up in Next Week's #MTtalk

In next week's #MTtalk, we'll be considering the question, how would you like to be recognized and celebrated at work? See our Twitter poll for suggestions, and join us next week!

Useful Resources: I Am... Words of Self-Declaration

If you've enjoyed this week's chat about self-declarations, take a look at some of our resources on the subject, below. (Please note, some resources will only be accessible in full to members of the Mind Tools Club or Corporate members.)

Boosting Your Self-Esteem

Self-Disclosure

Developing Self-Awareness

Self-Mastery

Impostor Syndrome

Positive Thinking, Thought Awareness, and Rational Thinking

Dweck's Fixed and Growth Mindsets

The post "I Am... " Words of Self-Declaration -- #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

In the wake of COVID-19, we're working from home. And who we are and how we live has changed. The boundaries that separate work from home are blurred, especially for parents.

Out-of-Office Identity Crisis

Many people feel liberated from corporate culture, with their boss no longer sitting across the aisle. Saved too from the grind and the expense of the commute.

But some are feeling grief and confusion because they don't feel professional working at home, or just don't know who they are anymore. Not an adolescent or midlife version, but still an identity crisis.

Anthropologists have long pointed out that our work is the bedrock of our identity. And now we're working in isolation. There isn't the presence of our colleagues to reassure us. How they interact with us, rely on us, treat us, laugh at our jokes – it all constantly reinforces our sense of self.

Gone too are the rigors and demands of the workplace. So do we still feel professional at home? Does it matter if we're not in the office? How do we maintain our professionalism WFH? We asked our followers on social media – and people in our own Mind Tools virtual office – for their experiences and insights.

I Do, Therefore I'm Professional

LernChance told us on Twitter that location doesn't matter. He said: "Short answer: No. As long as I'm proficient in what I do I feel 'professional,' regardless of where I work."

On LinkedIn, logistics specialist Mennah Tullah has been embracing the serenity, and not tangling with an identity crisis. "It is more effective than the office. I finish my task, have free time, no unnecessary arguments, just work peacefully."

Emerald Works Content Product Manager Sean Brown admitted: "I feel less professional in my image at home than the office, but I get more done WFH. At first, I did still try to maintain an office image. I used to work in banking. But now, due to the pandemic, it's far more usual to see people less formal/professional in their appearance."

Mean Business

And the identity he projects was cause for concern for Mind Tools writer Jonathan Hancock. He said: "When working from home started, I was anxious about keeping my 'real' life hidden, in case it harmed my professionalism – particularly with external clients.

"But I've become more relaxed over time. I've found that the occasional noise off camera or interaction from a child/pet can actually help a conversation, and remind people just how professional you're being by managing it all!"

Finnish Head of Business Development Pontus Kihlman says that WFH has not had a negative effect on his sense of identity or professionalism. "Quite the opposite. Without actually seeing what our colleagues are up to all the time, now:
a) We probably step up our game, because we imagine our best workmates as superhumans, and feel we need to keep up with them.
b) We can feel fairly sure that the slackers at work are slacking even worse now, thus passively making us look and feel more professional in relation to them. Before this, we were probably all just regressing towards the mean."

Style Can Mean Substance

For Gary Gruber, it's been business as usual. He told us on Twitter: "For those of us who worked from a home office previously, with corporate HQs located elsewhere, it's not much of a change personally or professionally."

Mind Tools writer Simon Bell is an old hand at WFH, but guards against distractions. "I do need to be 'in the flow' to work effectively. And it's very easy to become distracted when you aren't physically surrounded by people working with common purpose. So I give my day as much 'office-style' structure as I can."

In contrast, Mind Tools Managing Editor Charlie Swift has found his professional identity reinforced by working at home. He said: "My neighbors and family see and hear me working now – they reassure and remind me of the fact and importance of my job!

"I work on the ground floor by a window, so people passing by see me with my headphones on, talking on a call, typing. The mail delivery woman waves to me and I return the acknowledgement. My friend up the road takes a look, in case I'm free to join her for exercise, but she won't disturb me. And indoors, my partner tiptoes through the room out of shot from video calls but hears me sharing expertise.

"I've been more of my full self with all these people, as my work role isn't happening someplace else, hidden from them. They can see who I am."

Our article, Working From Home, has practical advice about staying productive and professional while also looking after your personal needs.

Have you suffered an identity crisis WFH? How do you help yourself to feel professional at home? Join the conversation and leave your tips in the Comment section, below.

The post Identity Crisis: How to Tackle Feeling Less Professional WFH appeared first on Mind Tools.

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."

My core group of friends and I go back about 20 years and, reasonably enough, we liked to think that we knew one another. Inside out. Recently, though, we discovered the awful truth…

We met at elementary school, grew up together, and shared a strong identity as part of the Asian community in our town. Eventually, we all made it from excitable adolescents to more mature young men. And, somehow, we managed to stay close – despite our various sporting allegiances! 

And, until a few months ago, our conversation rarely strayed from the latest football scores and standard everyday “lad chat.” 

That was despite the fact that over the decades, some of us moved away. Some got married and started families. Some of us set up our own businesses, too. But our conversations never evolved along with us.

Toxic Masculinity, No Friend to Men 

We never addressed anything important that was going on in our lives. We certainly never touched on any real emotions. This all changed in the past year, when one of the group suffered a very painful time, one that he didn't feel able to share. Rather than opening up to us, he brushed his pain under the rug.  

We all told him that we were there for him, and encouraged him to talk about how he was feeling. I’d only recently lost someone myself, and I thought that talking would make it easier for him. He, though, was determined to keep quiet and carry on. Alone. 

This was a real eye-opener for the group. How could someone who we had shared so much of our lives with, not be able to talk to us when he needed us the most? 

It was this that made us see the truth: that we had been conditioned as “guys” to not talk about our fears, pains or troubles. We quickly realized it was an approach that was not doing us any good. Which is exactly why we decided to address it. 

We wanted to start discussing all those topics we’d never dared to before. We wanted to work out how we could avoid the trap of “toxic masculinity” in the future – especially the belief that we should never ask for help. 

"Man Up" No Answer to Man Down

So, how could we let go of our inhibitions and speak from the heart? Then one of the group shared a video from YouTube: Why I'm done trying to be "man enough," by Justin Baldoni. It nailed toxic masculinity and just how we were all feeling. Suddenly, our WhatsApp group was buzzing. 

Next time we met, we began to admit the pressure we were all under, all of the time. Not just to earn, to provide, to succeed – but to be brilliant, exceptional, to be always acing it.

We laughed together at the cultural stereotype, but we knew this was layered on top of something even more fundamental. We’d each kept up a façade all our lives to create the illusion of the acceptable alpha male. It had been a rule that we should “man up,” even with one another. Now we were giving ourselves permission to break that rule. 

The result was amazing. It turned out that a lot of us were holding back information, afraid of being laughed at. For once, instead of talking about sports, we were talking about real life. It was like a weight off our shoulders. 

Men's Liberation 

And our bereaved friend joined in. We hadn’t bullied him into talking, or made him the center of the discussion. Instead, he’d discovered he was no different from the rest of us. And, like the rest of us, he felt liberated that we could, after all, have this conversation. 

We wanted more! So we agreed to meet again, to repeat the experience, and now it’s a monthly event. We’ve looked at subjects as diverse as the marketing of male grooming, and the pressures it creates to compete and consume. And one of the group revealed that he has kept his dyslexia a secret all his life. 

Our events are called “Mandem Linkup,” a tongue-in-cheek reference to the hardened street persona most from our area try to live up to. Now we have between five and 12 of us meeting every time. 

We’ve kept the meetings informal but there are some rules to help keep us safe. No one shares other people’s personal stuff outside of the group, and everyone gets a turn to pick the topic. There’s no obligation to speak, and some people never do. But they listen and support the rest of us with their presence. 

Understanding Masculinity

We hold the meetings wherever we feel comfortable, in public or private. Mainly, where we can concentrate and hear one another properly – so not the crowded bar we tried once!

Often, we’ll chat over food or drinks, and sometimes we’ll have traveled quite a way to be there. We don’t set a time limit on our discussion, so we can go into as much depth as we want without feeling rushed. 

Each month’s host shares in advance a news story, blog, video… something that grabs his attention and challenges toxic masculinity or supports our understanding of masculinity, and then he’ll run the meeting.  

Don't Worry, Be Chatty

I’ve been surprised and impressed at the emotional intelligence of the group – I don’t think many of us expected to be able to handle this kind of scenario so well. We’ve found that making time for open conversation gives us a safe space in our lives that we didn’t have before. I’m really proud of what we’ve achieved. 

A few of my old friends know about the meetings but are adamant that they don’t want to attend, or to pick up the discussion topics themselves. So we stick to the usual banter when we’re together.  

In contrast, some of our wives, girlfriends, partners, co-workers, and friends are getting increasingly curious, even envious, about the group. If only they could do something similar, they say. You might be wondering about this yourself. 

There is one thing that I'd like you to take away from this, especially if you’re a guy. Just open up to your friends. Don’t be afraid: that is toxic masculinity in action. Chances are some of them have the same worries and hurts that you do.

Take it from me, they will be thankful that you've given them the opportunity to discuss their troubles with you. 

For further insight into some of the topics raised in this blog, try the Mind Tools articles on Authenticity, Emotional Intelligence, Self-Esteem and Empathy. (Some may be available to Club members only.)

How have these issues affected you? Share your experiences in the Comments, below.

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